July 31, 2003

Work and Coffee Talk

Well, I'm gonna try it today...work that is. Time to get offa my arse. I've had a couple of physical therapy treatments and I think I'm on the mend.
Now...anybody got a good name for our coffee shoppe? We are thinking of having pie, rolls, coffee and sandwiches...
I love "The Daily Grind"...but it's taken...I've thought about The Daily Buzz...or The Daily Dose...my mom offered up (as a joke I hope) Hog Waller...and Sip and Slop...and The Trough...Thank You Mother! We were talking about the name and started getting silly. I came up with "Shut Yur Piehole" and then...well...nothing else would come to mind. I'll check back later...help me out folks! A prize may be offered!

July 30, 2003

What Comes Around...Goes Around

Just hypothetically now...wouldn't it be ironic if say, you would moon someone and then, later, when the smoke has cleared and a new day has dawned you are faced with giving the person that you so innocently mooned in passing fancy, a back treatment? hee heee heee hee hee hee hee hee hee OMG talk about fair play!

July 29, 2003

Pain Under The Moon

Back pain is a bitch! I have been flat out on a heating pad and under the influence of mind altering, supposedly muscle relaxing drugs since Sunday morning except for a few odd moments here and there. but that's not why I called you here today. hee hee Last night, after a scalding hot bath, a healthy dose of Motrin, Soma and Tylenol I felt like I could go with Mark to the new building. We wanted to cover up the large windows of the cafe part with newspapers until the remodelling/cleaning up is done. These are big windows that take up two whole walls so it took a bit of stretching and bending. However I did not stretch nor did I bend...cuz I couldn't! Anyway, I did what I could and finished my window and stood back to watch Mark. He was taping in perfect alignment the sheets of newspaper. They were overlapped to perfection! Mine were slapped on haphazardly but they did the job. As I walked about a shooting stab of pain knocked me off my feet and I lay on the soft carpeting of what would be the pharmacy. I could see Mark taping, taping taping. Finally to encourage him in his endeavors I called out "Move your ass can't you see I'm in pain here?!" He looked a bit startled and picked up the pace. He had covered the top of the windows. Just when I was able to get up I noticed a set of legs start to pass by the front window, stop, turn and then all I could see was a hairy white ass! Mark and I started laughing and then the mooner was gone! Mark made a gesture for me to "run to the back and see who it is", I gave him a gesture and we decided to forget it.

July 28, 2003

Notes From The Garage Sale:

Pre-Sale Friday

As I am an old pro at getting these set up I convinced Katie that we should start earlier than the 7:00 p.m. time she and the other cheerleaders had planned. So much to her dismay she and I started moving furniture and creating tables around 5:00 p.m. We have an old ping pong table that works well and many, many old doors and boards that we prop up with saw horses or men who happen to walk by. Katie informed me that she and the other cheerleaders were planning on a pizza party and that after the 1/2 hour it would take to set up the sale they were going to practice a few cheers. I hated to rain on her parade but I couldn't help braying with laughter at the thought of "1/2 hour to set up". Since our house is located on a main highway we usually have several other people drop by with their stuff and our sale is a major "doo". I usually start on Friday and work until midnight setting up and THEN get up at around 5:30 a.m the next day to continue getting ready. 1/2 hour...my ass! Anyway...we all ate pizza and swatted gnats and unpacked "crap" until 9ish and then the cheerleaders went home. My mom and Aunt and cousin and friend showed up with their crap right about then and it was around 12:30 that night when we were finally done setting up. Damn that ice cold beer tasted good! Thanks Lois Lane! (prez of the BP of which I'm a long time member)

July 27, 2003

I Will Survive

I made it through MIL(easy). I made it through signing my life away on a humongous loan for our new pharmacy/coffee shop(terrifying). I made it through the cheerleaders garage sale at my home in 107 degree weather(still can't believe it). I made it through one of the cheerleaders slamming her finger in a car trunk and needing sewed up(huge and interesting laceration). I have only one problem and it probably stems from all of the above plus the fact that my ass is four ax handles and a shoebox wide. My back is totally and completely OUT. I have been plastered to a heating pad all day. My husband brought me water and a handful of pills(of which I took only one...don't tell) and yet I still feel as if my back is attached to my heels and whenever I move I step on my spine(a not too pleasant feeling). I've had this happen only once before and that has been years and years ago. I'd forgotten that a single Soma makes me feel like I'm on a ferris wheel ride and the damn thing has stopped at the top and some smart ass is swinging it back and forth and back and forth...ugh. I'd better go now and contintue watching "Hoosiers" (I love that movie!) and then when that is over I'm putting in my DVD of "The Quiet Man" (the best movie in the entire world!!!). Send me soup and back rubs and you'll win my undying love!

side note...I had to change my commenting system as it wasn't working and when I switched to ennotation I lost all my readers comments...and I miss them! please leave me a comment if you visit and I'll be sure and visit your site!

July 24, 2003

What A Strange Coincidence!

Well...I've been a busy old bag and tomorrow I have the day off. I'm on call...but hey...I only have to go in if I'm called, so to me...that's a day off Please don't anybody need surgery cuz...I NEED A NAP!!!! So...anyway my MIL, her friend and me and my hubby finally have a chance to sit down and visit about 5:30 p.m. today and I learn that they are going home tomorrow~!. Hell's bells. I told MIL that it seemed awfully suspicious...them going home and me finally getting the day off! They smiled and denied.

July 23, 2003

Perfect Advertisment For Calgon

When I die and my soul slips from the shell of my body and notices a van driving up filled with 12 year old boys...I'll know that I'm going to hell. I'll know that because...I've already been there. Yesterday was my Andrew's 12th birthday. He's my summer baby and we never usually celebrate much with his friends because it gets lost in the business of summer. So this year I decided to take him and a few of his buddies to a mini water park. Next year he will probably be too cool to be seen with his Mom. The water park is about 1 hour away. I drove. Alec rode shotgun with me and will forever be dubbed "The informer". I like to compare the trip to taking a small unsharpened stick and poking it into my eye 1 centimeter every 15 minutes until the aqueous membrane is oozing out and then eventually piercing into the gray matter of my small, tired brain. It took me a good hour to get there. I made it home in 40 minutes...need I say more?

July 21, 2003

Just like a one armed wallpaper hanger!

You cannot believe what happened today...well...maybe you can. I was in mid clean mode with toilet brush in one hand and mop in the other. My mom stopped by to say "hi" and she got sucked in by the vacuum cleaner. I had 12 bottles of assorted cleaners; rags in tow and a shiny nose when what to my reddened eyes should appear? The UPS man of course. He threw the package in and backed the hell out of there as fast as he could go. Chicken. Well guess what he brought?
Wallpaper...uhh huhhh. Only he brought 2 rolls instead of the 4 I needed. I wasn't expecting the delivery until next week anyway. My mother gave me the eye and shook her head. I just smiled and said, "I'm NOT going to wallpaper...I don't have time right now." She agreed and we continued our quest for dustless, grimeless, stinkiless living quarters. Finally mom went home and I started to finish up. I had only the upstairs bathroom and the laundry room floor to do when suddenly I grabbed the wallpaper and I'll be damned if I didn't start papering that damn woodstove room! Well, of course I ran out and had to piece the summbitch together at the end. But by damn it's done! If I don't make Trailer House Beautiful I'll eat my hat!

Suddenly realize house is STILL a shithole.

Am frantically cleaning things like

1) Between drier and washer where scads of curled up socks dried into fetal positions are found nesting in fluffy beds of lint
2) The shower where streaks of lime and soap scum have scarred the shower door like so many stretch marks
3) The laundry room floor where Pickles the cat is fed and her dishes are puddled in �wet� cat food juices that have permanently bonded it to the buckling linoleum beneath it.

July 20, 2003

What I Did Instead of Sunday Chores

1)Went to Kearney shopping
2)Ate at Whiskey Creek and ate tortilla soup and veggie chef salad and only looked at the margarita menu
2)Bought 2 sundresses for Katie
3)Bought a pair of 5 inch clog type shoes for Katie
4)Bought sparkley perfume and other necessary make up articles that Katie would certainly shrivel up and DIE if she didn't get
5)Bought Mark a shirt at Old Navy that he will probably hate
6)Bought Alec a Baracuda shark shirt at Old Navy in white...duh...another non smart move by me
7)Bought Andrew pants from Old Navy in navy
8)Tried on several dresses and much to my surprise! (NOT) they didn't look as good on me as they did the hanger and therefore I did NOT buy anything for me except for a pair of AWESOME shoes that I will wear in surgery.
9)Listened to my mother tell me "Oh honey those looked great on you and you need to just splurge and buy them!" and "You need new clothes!" and "You are not fat it's just those darn dressing room mirrors!" and "You could be skinny too...if you were sick!" and "Keep your hands on the wheel!" and finally my favorite saying of the day..."My eyes feel like two pee holes in a snowbank" when she thought I wasn't listening...hee hee hee hee...gotcha mom!

Sunday Chore List

Must hide
1)sunflower seeds and gatorade bottles
2)dust bunnies
4)14 loads of laundry
5)cat hair
6)9 frozen pizzas and 4 packs of hot pockets

Must buy
1)real food
2)new fridge...HEY...maybe I can leave the "good" food in the old fridge and secret it somewhere...yahhhhhhh
3)toliet paper, kleenex AND napkins note to self...NOT interchangeable

Must clean
3)fridge...unless buying new...

July 18, 2003

MIL Arriving Monday

Friday...the countdown begins. I changed the ortho apointments because my daughter informed me that she "couldn't possibly go mom...swim finals were tomorrow...duh!". That went over like a lead balloon to me but since I feel like a used up piece of chewing gum...I caved and changed the apts. Now I only have tthese thing to do before Monday:

1) clean whole entire shithole(a place I sometimes call my home)

2) wash 87 loads of laundry (not including the stuff under the kids' beds)

3) get birthday present for son (July 22) AND that is impossible where I live because we have no retail stores here!

4) think of wholesome meals I can create and serve (NOT sunflower seeds and gatorade like usual supper fare)

5) stock cupboards and fridge with ingredients of above

6) OMG...CLEAN fridge...damn

7) get Alec a haircut...even tho he wants to "dye it yellow except for two long strands that will hang in front of my eyes - those need to be dyed red!"

8) Get a dress for me (not burlap sack comfy kind either)

9) Lose 30 pounds

10) Shave knees (at least)

11) Maintain a positive attitude and be perky ( I just threw that in...screw it)

July 17, 2003


Okay here's the deal: It's Thursday and around 5 pm. I am, as my friends 5 year old daughter once stated after a particularly grueling 5 year olds day, "stuffed, muffed and buffed". I don't know what that means exactly but I like the way it sounds! What a freaking week...maybe mashed, bashed and trashed is what I should say. Tomorrow, thank God, I have off...sort of. There are orthodontist apts to go to, swim team to chaffeur kids to, etc...you know the drill. My mother in law is coming on Monday. My house is, for lack of a better word, a shithole. I wish I could hang up a humongous sheet and cover every last stinking corner of it up except for the entryway....which, it being an entryway...is allowed some filth. Not only is my house an ugly heap but so am I!! I have a cold sore (gross) pulsating on the side of my face the size of my nose (and that aint small kids), grey hair poking through the Clairol dye job, (yah yah "C" from Walmart), shaggy eyebrows (I'm hoping the shaggy look is coming back soon) and hairy knees!

July 16, 2003

Hump Day

It's only Wednesday...It's only Wednesday? Yup...sad but true. I know it's hump day...but I'm just not in the mood to hear that noise. It's 109 degrees here. I didn't know that cuz when I went to work early this morning it felt nice and cool out. I finally got a breather around 2:20 or so p.m. and called home to talk to my daughter. She casually mentioned she was - hold your breath - mowing the lawn. I said "Awesome honey!" and "Thank you!" and was thinking silently to myself..."about damn time" I asked her if she could bring something out to the hospital for me and she said she would. When she came back to the surgery area she was covered in sweat. I began to feel a twinge of guilt...it blossomed to the full fledged toe curling kind when she mentioned to me that it was 105 degrees outside and that the mower had overheated. I then offered her a cold bevarage and began to assess her for heat stroke. I also told her that she didin't have to finish the rest of the lawn...yet...

July 14, 2003


I had the best snack last night. I'm still dreaming about it. Take a look.

July 13, 2003

Happy Days Are Here Again!

I'm tired and cranky and it's all my fault so therefore...I'm even crankier. I've been wallpapering my...I'll call it the "woodstove" room. Stupidly I've been doing it by myself. Hanging a strip or two in between loads of laundry or rest breaks from running the kids somewhere or after work...you get the picture. Well it's the worst damn job I've ever done. AGHHHH!!!! NOW I'VE RUN OUT OF WALLPAPER! I even used the handy dandy measure your walls and submit it and we'll tell you how much you need form from the online place I ordered the paper from. I have completed 2 and a little more than 3/4ths of the 3rd wall. What a screw up. One whole wall left and maybe 2 strips on the other one. SHIT! Some other bad things about this are:

1) My mother in law is possibly coming up soon and will definitely notice that my wallpapering job is sucky AND that I have been using the cloth I wipe down the wallpaper with to clean the top of my windows and other various objects and perhaps she will then realize that due to being busy wallpapering and "dusting" I've been feeding my family sunflower seeds (barbeque ones are fantastic) and gatorade for supper instead of wholesome and healthy foods like fruit and vegetables and she will then begin to question how her son and grandchildren are going to survive in a paste encrusted, dirt schmeared, foodless household surrounded by visually disturbing 3/4 wallpapered walls in this place we occasionally call home

2) My mom will come over some time and SEE what a CLUSTER my room is in and know she raised an impatient person (given)...too impatient to wait for help or ask for help and she will tear down every crappy stip of paper I pasted up while simultaneously cooking a balanced meal for 5, washing all the windows, vacuuming years of dust bunnies away, ironing the sheets and turning the "burnt sienna" whites in the laundry...pure white and sparkling clean all in a matter of 2 hours time.

2a) I'm old enough to NOT have to worry about what my mom, mother in law, the butcher, baker or goddamn candlestick maker thinks about my wallpapering abilities or lack there of so...why am I percolating about this? I just don't know...I'm like that I guess...need a shrink

3) I can't find the book I ordered the wallpaper from anywhere OR the reciept OR the website, in fact...I'm screwed

4) I didn't buy the cheap stuff

5) My husband knows

6) I'm sick to death of wallpapering!

7) I'm going to have to fix it anydamnedway

(new cluster below but sort of related to the main cluster so I inlcuded it anyway)

8) The new curtains I bought quite a while ago and haven't hung up yet and were a little more than I usually spend and already threw the receipt away for...are supposed to be "Giselle"...and 2 ot of 5 of them are "Mary"...close but NO CIGAR

10) Isn't that enough!!!

July 10, 2003

It's a piece of...cake baby!

When I undressed to take a bath last night I noticed that I had a large chocolate cake crumb in my bra. Apparently in my frenzy to stuff a piece of Terry the lab technicians' birthday cake into My cake hole I missed, or slobbered and was now wearing a "badge" so to speak. It still tasted fine. Vesta,( cake maker) you could make Betty Crocker turn in her cake making license if there were such a thing!

July 09, 2003

Job Oppurtunity

...am thinking of becoming a leotard model and working at a warehouse in Greece...whaddya think?...and YES Shelley...I said w a r e h o u s e!

July 08, 2003

Carried away OR here I go to save the...whoops

The rainy weather we are having lately reminds me of when I was about 10 years old. (Quite a few years ago). I remember awaking to the fiery lightening strikes and the deafening kabooms of thunder and lying terrified in my bed just waiting for the inevitable twister to carry me away almost every night that summer.

Tonight at around 10:30pm I saw the satellite picture of a storm heading our way on my �weather bug� and swiftly shut down the computer, got out pots for our two leaky spots (just in case) and turned on both the radio and the weather channel, put all my outdoor plants underneath the patio furniture, raced over to my hubby�s work place, (he was in bed tired out after a rough work day and I thought I�d impress him by shutting down his computers and ta daaah�saving the day!� Well, anyway, I DID get his computers shut down it was just that damn front door! It would not lock! I had to call home and wake him up. He tried to tell me how to lock the door by first kicking the frame (which came loose) then opening and shutting the handle quickly 2 or 3 times then slamming the sucker shut. I tried and tried and then had to call him back. He answered tiredly and said, �I�ll be right down�. Damn�so much for my ta daaah�save the day routine. Of course the door instantly locked for him and with a kick, shake and a curse homeward bound we were�both muttering under our breath.

July 05, 2003

Seen and heard at DaisyBlossom

...(only these are MY names)

Debbie Rose Porn Star Name

Feather Hailfly Fairy Name

Bitch Ho Prison Bitch Name

July 03, 2003

Just pretend

My youngest son let me in on a big secret. He wants to have a cool new hairstyle. He acts a bit embarrassed as he tells me all about it. He says he has to draw it that he just can't explain it "well enough" and he gets a piece of paper and although he wants crayons he settles for a bic pen. He hems and haws and finally throws the "new do" caricature at me. He first states "I bet it'll cost a lot so...it's okay if I can't do it". Then he gazes at me with his barely 9-year-old gray green eyes and smiles. Damn but he is a charmer. He has drawn a side view of a stick man with a spiky "yellow" hairdo except for two strands that hang directly in the eyes and these are labeled "red". He gazes up at me, ready for ridicule, and I say, "Wow...we'll see about this". He takes that as a yes and smiles a big ass crooked smile. This is the kid that asked me about 2 years ago..."Hey mom, just pretend for a minute that I am an actor and just pretend that I have to be an actor that has to wear an earring...would you hate me?� Hells bells. I forgot to mention that this is my 9 year old. I can feel more gray hairs coming in already!

July 02, 2003

Answer to yesterdays question

6) All of the above.

My tongue has recovered but my waist size hasn't.

July 01, 2003

What did I do yesterday?

1) Ate green apple jolly ranchers until tongue ached

2) Drank many fruity bevarages filled with rum and a variety of juices (but not for breakfast) until tongue was numb

3) Watched a five vessel corinary artery bypass graft

4) Wandered around acres of an Earl May Greenhouse bitching about the lack of prices on things until a staff member pointed out that this was not an area that customers belonged in and that only "sick" plants and new unpriced plants were back there and if I wanted to buy something I must return to the front of the store.

5) Ate sunflower seeds until tongue was throbbing and cracked

6) All of the above