June 30, 2004

I Dream Of Whiskey Barrels OR My Day so Fucking Far

...work...work...attend and fein interest in (fun!) swim meet...cheer for son's baseball team during a double header(in which they lose both)...and HELLO...hubby is the coach of!!...take abuse from hungry pre teen baseball player who wants FOOD...NOW and happens to be my son...look at moldy laundry...look at crusted dishes festering in sink(from what I don't know cuz we don't have meals anymore)... attempt to glean info about party daughter is to attend tonight...still wondering...assume that by the end of summer ALL my hair will be gray...scream at children who light firecrackers as close to my cars gas tank as a gnats ass (my own kids to clarify)...breathe...water plants aka weeds in primative whiskey barrel...long for whiskey barrel to dive into and perhaps drown in...rescue junky basketball hoop from dumpster only fo find it won't fit in any vehicle then attempt to find a place to store it...make idle chit chat with telemarketer...refuse sales pitch(s)......did I mention bathroom breaks? I didn't did I...that's because
A) we have no toliet paper and
B) who has time to drink fluids let alone pass them?

June 28, 2004

Amish Tots

During the BRAN ride we stopped at Verdigree Nebraska which is a beautiful, green place of beauty! No shit.
Anyway, there was an Amish family there, streetside, making homemade candies and blooming onions (oddly using an electric appliance) and giving hay wagon rides. The wagon driver was the father to a whole stair step of children and we were allowed to take their pictures. I thought this was a taboo thing in that culture but hey, I did it anyway. I have to show you some of the photos...they turned out neat!

The original photo

Sweet aren't they?
Kurt drove us all around the countryside because we wanted to see their farm but we couldn't find it.
I joked they lived in a condo on Main Street.
Now we will never know.

June 25, 2004

Bastard Crevice Strikes Again!

Today, Cindy lost her cherry to the bastard crevice. Before you hit escape let me explain. First you have to imagine a diverse group of people milling around the coffee bar & dining area shouting out drink orders at a rapid pace. Are you there yet? Okay, then imagine this song...* by THE BRAN FLAKES, playing in the background. Are you with me? Okay, imagine an order that involves limes, shaved ice, cherry syrup, soda, and marichino cherries. Can you picture this? Now imagine a small area, a crack really between a stove and a countertop that, if you squint really hard, looks like the gaping mouth of a giant monster. This "bastard crevice" has devoured more than it's share of sweatheart glasses, straws, broken glasses, spoons, wayward donuts, ice cubes & the occasional cookie. But it has been awhile since the last accident& the beast is hungry. Poised, it waits until the vicious bastard see's it's chance. Cindy looks away, and the sumbitch steals her cherry. Really. The waiting customer must make do with a cherry-less cherry lime ade, this time.

June 24, 2004

First Day New Rod

Alec, my youngest, has fallen in love...with fishing. He & his buddy Zane have been going to the creek & attempting to catch "the big one" that has lived there forever. Yesterday I bought Alec a new rod & reel and then took the two of them down to the, once dry, now surging water. Since the water was rushing so much I decided to stay and watch them. I thought I could relax (relax my ASS! )in the sun and just enjoy watching the boys fish. I like to fish but haven't gotten my permit to and I was content with observing today. You would have laughed to see me there. ha ha Zane camped out on one side of the bridge and Alec on the other. The bank to cross from one side of the bridge to the other is steep to say the least and I was forever clambering up one side to fix a snag on one of the boy's lines then over to the other because they had a snag or they lost their bait or...you name it. Just as all seemed settled down I looked over to see Alec waist deep, on the other side of the bridge mind you, in the rushing creek water. He had fallen in! I screamed over to see if he was okay...thank God he was and then...I cast the extra rod as fast as I could down the streaming water to try and catch his rod as it streaked down the water like a snake in the grass. Of course I didn't get it. shit The only other thing that could have made it funnier would have been if I'd been ticketed for not having a fishing license.

June 22, 2004

Fat Girl on a Little Bike

Well, I looked at some of my pictures from BRAN yesterday and discovered that even though I was exercising & sweating my ASS off...my ass was and sadly still remains 6 axe handles & a shoebox wide...damn! it! Yet, as Katie & I returned from her Volleyball Camp tonight we stopped by McDonalds & I bought, without hesitation and then consumed, without hesitation I might add,a large fry and yes...there's more...a strawberry banana shake...even though it was a "small" it still had gazillions of empty calories that are as we speak making a new home on one of the many various areas of protrusions I like(hate) to call my body...so not only do I deserve the 6 axe handles but the 7 or 8 that are down the road...not to mention the squirts that McDonalds food will probably give me.

ps...Hey Shelley...kiss my big 7 axe handled butt! The "frog in a blender" is an AWESOME tasting drink or my name isn't Shirley!

June 21, 2004

Excerpts From My BRAN Journal

Click the Pic to see a close up. I laugh as I look at that scrawled on page because it's almost illegible...which isn't that unusual for me as my penmanship sucks! However...as my week went on...my writing became a bit easier to read and I'll share it with you soon.

Click Away!

June 20, 2004

I'm Published!

Self that is...hot off the presses (my own) is my brand new chap book entitled Greens...nature poetry...part of my Drive Through Poetry series. Yahooooo! Watch for it's appearance in a coffee shop near you!

June 17, 2004

Highlights Of My Day(sad tho they may be)

Got my Island Oasis machine fixed...let the drinks commence!!
Took a nap between 1 and 3 with ONLY 4 phone calls & 2 visitors in the middle
Ate...actually snarfed, totally shitty pizza in massive quantities and actually felt my ass blooming like some giant lard-like flower...without the benefit of a nice floral scent
Cleaned up Petie barf from the middle of my living room floor, steam cleaned the carpet and allowed him to live...that goddamned bulimic dog

June 16, 2004

Tent Ho

I don't know if you have ever "tented" it or not. I myself was pretty much virginal in this area until I went on BRAN but now...I'd say I was like a well oiled ho. My tent cherry is gone.
Words of advice for new tenters:

1) look for a flat area of ground...grassy is good but sometimes a beautiful soft grassy area means something like below
2) always, and I mean ALWAYS check for sprinkler heads when putting up your tent...no matter where you are
3) tie a string around your finger to the tent flap zipper...this helps you find the door quickly...like in case a storm suddenly swoops up & collapses your tent around you in the dark of night, and you wake up disoriented because you've practically been in a coma because you've like, biked 70 miles in a head wind & are blissfully unaware of potential bad weather & ignorant to the fact that when a wind is pressing in on a wimpy tent at 50 mph you may be wearing your tent like a toga and getting to the tiny little tent flap can be such a difficult task it seems as if you may as well just let the wind carry you to Kansas
4) ear plugs would be an asset in case of, say, an airhorn in the hands of a restless teen who sees about 400 tents under the balmy stars as a tempting "challenge"

Hope this little bit will help anyone who is craving the great outdoors experience.

June 14, 2004

See My Scab(s)

Knee Scab

Back Bacon Burn...ie...shoulder

and Last but not least...Right Thigh Sunburn

Don't worry updates will follow with more gory and disgusting pictures COMING SOON to a theater near YOU!

June 13, 2004

Things That Are Acceptable

...To Talk About OR Do On A Long Bike Trip Including But Not Limited To:

1) Foot Rot
2) Discussing the pro's & cons of Butt Butter
3) Rubbing your crotch in public
4) Wearing tight shorts on a big ass
5) Eat 5,000+ calories a day/meal...but who's counting
6) Talk about chaffing with a straight face
7) Wipe your nose on your gloves
8) Blow your nose by placing one finger over a nares and letting it rip
9) Eat more bananas than a zoo chimp
10) Using your granny

June 05, 2004

The BRAN Ride Route (click for bigger view)

Got to BRAN for more info.

We are leaving as soon as Kurt makes something for his something uhhh yah...probably just messing around with that sk quarter inch deep well socket that Cindy found on one of our rides.
god I love that socket
man I wish that I could find one of those babies when I ride...but Nooooooo I just find a set of keys...mind you a big ass set of keys, but still...it's just not the same as an sk quarter inch deep well socket
Some people just have all the luck.

June 04, 2004

BRAN...No NOT the Cereal!

I'm leaving tomorrow with Cindy Sue & her hubby(silver tongued Hamel), and their 2 knot heads(Jesse & Justin) to drive up to Cody Nebraska.
On Sunday, we bike...hopefully at the end of the day we both will have biked around 85 or 86 miles and will have ended up at Springview Nebraska.
There is a possibility that I'll be the last lard ass in of the day, having left my lung on the first set of hills I come to. If so...my biking days will be short. If not...here is the rest of the ride.
The second day we go around 54 miles, the third, 57.6, the fourth, 39.1, the fifth, 64, next Friday should have us traveling from South Sioux City to Oakland which is 58.6 miles, and last but not least...day 7 will find us biking from Oakland to Fort Calhoun which is the end of the trail and in toto equals 412 miles of pedaling.
Wheww...I'm tired already.
Regardless, I won't be able to update for about a week so stay tuned and I'll tell you all about my BRAN Biking experiences.

June 02, 2004

Oh Bitch You Airy

Today, a sad sad day, for a jug of milk leaped to it's death in the parking lot at the old Country General Store.
There were white splotches everywhere.
It wasn't pretty...however it WAS pretty damn funny!
I thought puddles of yellow would soon be mingling with the splattered remains of 2 percent moo juice as Cindy, Katie and I laughed until we cried.
Damn...the rig was soooo full of our shopping purchases that we could barely cram our own svelte bodies into the seats.
Cindy had to cut down on her usual horse, cat, and dog food purchases because of lack of space.
We are preparing for our BRAN ride and purchases a LARGE quantity of junk food...and...other stuff...I forget now.
I also found that I'd forgotten the essentials when I unpacked the groceries...kleenex and beer.
Oh well...I've got a couple more days yet.