July 31, 2004

Mountain Time

I can't wait for the mountains, the river, the trees, the beer on the deck(people, I said b e e r ...not b e a r!), the elk yapping and the oder of an outlet mall.
I can almost smell the factory dyes now.
The scent of new clothes and perky adidas sneakers will soon permeate my sinus cavities, seep into my brain and cause me to perk right up.
I can feel it.
kinda
...Cindy has to "make the donuts" on Monday and Tuesday...giggle
THANK YOU CINDY.
I absolutely DO NOT believe what all those other people are saying...you ARE a nice girl after all!
Really!
Next Friday night follies are on ME!

This Trip Made Possible By YOU

We are going to try and go to Colorado for a few days...thanks to some AWESOME helpers! Thank you guys! I cannot wait to smell the mountains and pines.
On another note, my mother has what can only be called a "popeye" bicep. From all accounts it appears that she has a bicep rupture. That REALLY REALLY SUCKS! She will visit again with the Dr. on Monday or Tuesday.
On another note...I've got a new goodie coming to Shirley K's.
Please put your hands together and applaud for the new Northern Lights!
whoo whoo whoo
They are, in reality, a huge sno cone in a fabulously Madonna Bra styled drip cup. hee hee hee
Can't wait to get that going.
Another note.
Tomorrow daughter Katie is running our garage sale.
I just checked...there is a lot of, well, crap on our sale. I don't see much "good" stuff.
Nuff said...I'm tired...byhe

July 29, 2004

I Swallowed

I'm worn out from today. It seemed to go on and on and on and on and on and on and on and you get the idea.
I need to escape for awhile...rejuvinate...if you call all of us driving 5 hours in one vehicle (big girl in a little Durango) buying school clothes for my kids rejuvinating that is.
Anyway...yah
What I really want to talk about is the sandwich I made for supper tonight.
When I finally got home around 7:30 or so everyone else had eaten...of course. I'd only had a salad for lunch so I was ready for bear. I got a nice skillet out, poured in about a jug of oil, chopped up a green pepper and fresh green onions, sauteed those babies for a while then dumped in one of our(Shirley K's) Philly Steaks and sauteed that and then...the almost best part...plopped in a ton of Swiss cheese and put a lid on the goo for awhile. I then got out a gourmet bun( as I am out of Ciabetta bread), a nearly clean plate fresh from the cupboard, popped open a Diet (yes of course I drink it for the taste) Mountain Dew (wished for a Michelob Ultra), then opened up the skillet lid to a fantastic, wonderliscious mess.
Heaven.
I tortured myself by slowly prying off the melted, browned cheesied up philly steak & peppers & onions and slathered them across that soft succulent bun (sounds kinky huh?).
god
That first bite...I could feel grease slide down my throat. It might sound gross...but it ROCKED!!!
I now feel slightly human.
Maybe a fat greasy lipped 4 axe handle wide hipped waitin' for a gall bladder attack anytime now human...but still...infinitely better than before.

Lick'em Stick'em

A regular customer and I were talking about tattoos yesterday morning. A lady who is at least 30 years older than me (I think)...although she has the kind of looks that are a bit timeless. As we talked I was reminded about a time, several years ago, when Mark and I went to a pee wee wrestling meet. Our boys must've been in it. I don't really remember their matches but what I do remember is that a whole group of "biker" guys walked in. Burly, black leather encased, the whole ZZ Top look going on. The tattoos were running rampant. Of course our eyes were drawn to the bunch and then I noticed one guy on the end. He walked like he'd just gotten off a wide backed stallion, spraddle legged, his doo wrap was askew, his chains were clanking, his dark glasses were a bit off center and...as he crossed in front of us I noticed he was wearing a leather vest. Surely he wore this to announce to any passerby that his biceps were the size of a teradactyle drum stick. Instantly I was engrossed in his tattoo. It was big, it was colorful and as the sun came out strong from the high windows of the gym, and covered him with a golden glow about the neck, chest and arms I noticed something odd. That tattoo was a "stick on" one. yah The big ZZ Top, burly, barrel chested, teradactyle drum stick leg armed man had a LICK AND STICK tattoo on his arm. Hee hee hee hee Niiiiccce try dude. Next time use a bic pen I wanted to advise. Somehow,,,I really wanted to meet this guy then. I mean...how tough could he be...he had a LICK AND STICK tattoo. I never did though I occasionally think of him and wonder if he braved up or wised up.

July 27, 2004

Awww You Shouldn't Have!

For all of those who wish to purchase me a gift I thought I'd make it easy for you. Here is the picture! and here is the order info.
You could just go over to Honeysuckle Gifts and pick it up...or...you could order over the internet
Thanks you soo soo soo much...a girl just can't have too many buddies...or too many Willow Tree figurines.
Now in reality I wanted to write about the Democratic Convention.
Really.
I just listened to John Kerry's significant other. Teresa Heinz Kerry. She is definitely significant.
I love her. I love her accent, I love the fact she can speak 5 languages. I love that she appears down to earth and homey yet smart as a whip. I would love to hear her fight it out with someone. I wonder how much of it is manufactured. I mean, she has it all. I listened to her...and then...I didn't listen anymore. She was the bomb...the whole tomata as far as I was concerned.
She has my vote.
I don't know about Kerry...but Teresa...Hell Ya!

I LOVE Fall Weather!

Fall is in the air. Can you feel the subtle shift? I can. I know it's been 84 degrees today but there is just something different. Perhaps the way the sun is not as glaringly hot.
The breeze seems to be coming from the North...Cindy...please correct me if I'm wrong. (Cindy is my own personal meterologist)
Cindy and I both noticed that the back to school birds are singing their version of Cawwww....get the hell back to school now....Cawwwwww.....you are driving your parents insane...Cawwwww......and it's a SHORT drive....Cawwwww.
I predict an early frost and sweatshirt weather sooner than usual.
I LOVE FALL. Did I mention that already?
I wonder if there is a place that has only Fall weather. If there is...I want to live there.

July 26, 2004

Sit Down and Give Your Mind a Rest...

My new favorite place is called Brain Candy. Please go there if you feel you need to bone up on your one liners or insults. Here are a few of my favorites...
Can I borrow your face for a few days while my ass is on vacation?
Diarrhea of the mouth; constipation of the ideas.
Of all the people I've met you're certainly one of them.
As useless as rubber lips on a woodpecker.

Good times...good times...sigh

Who I Am & Why

For those of you who don't write you cannot know what a stress reliever this activity is. I always loved writing as a child and wrote poetry and little stories. As I got older I got out of this habit until one day( about 3 years ago) I got internet. I typed "poetry" in a search engine. I was overwhelmed to find so many sites about poetry. The more I read the more I felt I wanted to write. It was like an explosion. The words began to pour out of me. I couldn't keep up. I was doing home health then and I would often be writing furiously as I waited in traffic, ate lunch, waited for my drive through food, between phone calls to Doctors, the Lab and yes, even as I drove on some lonely country roads. I had poetry on check stubs, the car dash, my hand, greasy food wrappers and napkins. I wrote everyday without fail. I was literally filled with words, phrases and poems. I'm not nearly as prolific as I was back then but I still enjoy writing. I know now that I was way stressed out back then and I absolutely NEEDED to write. It was a kind of therapy. Many of my poems are about how my life was touched by the patients I saw. I've always thought that I am who I am because of these people. That somehow, an imprint of who they are or were stuck with me. I guess you could call me a patchwork person of sorts.
Alzheimers
She cant sing anymore
Too soon the sun does set
Thankful for a reminder
Breast Cancer
Mummy Leg

Attention Please

People, this is a warning, if you are easily offended...please exit now. This is NOT the blog for you to read. I write what I want about what I want. You can too...it's called FREEDOM OF SPEECH...and it is available for all who would care to use it. Free of charge.
I am a decent, kind hearted, hard working individual. The voice of my blog is often harsher than the real me. In fact, I don't consider witing this blog to be a "reality" based activity. I enjoy writing to cause a reaction...be it a belly laugh or a gasp of disgust. I may choose to write that the Queen of England is my tranvestite Auntie or I may write about my mundane day...with added exageration inserted as needed. In any case should I choose to write about "real" people for the most part names and places have been changed or omitted to protect the innocent.
I don't give out my site URL freely so if you happened onto it and enjoy it...welcome...otherwise...don't let the door hit you on the backside.

July 24, 2004

I'll be Here

RAGBRAI starts tomorrow.
I won't be there.

July 22, 2004

I have just ONE thing to say...



Let's Dance


Funky Cold Medina


Ingredients:
1 oz Vodka (Absolut)
1 oz Southern Comfort
1 oz Blue Curacao
Top off with Cranberry juice
1 Ice
Mixing instructions:
Pour over ice and top off with cranberry juice.

Category: Shot
Alcohol: Alcoholic
Serve in: Mason jar

July 21, 2004

Dash Blast It All

Well, since my son is turning 13 tomorrow I treated myself to my first microdermabrasion treatment aka face sandblasting.  I feels like a new woman now!  I also look like a new woman.  See...notice the red scratchy marks...the make-up less pale face...the fear in my eyes...yah...feels like sunburn but it's NOT!  No guys...it's mah sweet newish face. Fresh and smooth as a baby's ass.  My Aunt does these treatments on people who need or want blasting.  I highly suggest it.  I almost feel asleep whilst she was scraping the pores off my face.  Course I almost fall asleep when the dental hygenist is scraping my gums too.  
 

July 18, 2004

Golden Brown...MY ASS

I got a haircut on Thursday. When I say haircut I literally mean hair cut as my hair is as fine as frog fur and just as thick.
I now look like a fat boy with tits. God
Why do I do it? Why? Why? Why? I know better...I really, really do.
Anyway, sad to report, after the shearing I noticed my hair had that kind of brassy, reddish, grayish at the roots hue it gets after the hair color begins to fade out.
Finally, tonight, I remembered that I had to color that pumpkin pie haircut on my head.
Of course I only remembered at 10:36 pm and I quickly picked up a bottle (of ultra Michelob natch) and filled the tub full to the brim with hot, steaming water and a red fizzy tablet.
I had to yell for Mark to "Please bring me my hair dew downstairs by the dryer!", and sweet boy that he is he did(probably hoping for a quick feel up or something), he peeked in, raising eyebrows as he saw the steaming tub, fizzing water and half empty bottle of Michelob, my ratty gray 10 hairs and my unsweet grin, he just dropped off the box of dye and skeedaddled.
I went ahead and mixed my potion, plopped it on my head while in the tub, and settled back with my new book " DRY by Augusten Burroughs
I didn't spill much hair color and really, I'd chosen Light Golden Brown...so if I did get some in the tub...maybe it would work like sunless tanning and I'd kill 2 birds with 1 stone.
Anyway, after the required 20 or so minutes...I don't have a clock in the bathroom, I rinsed off my hair and began to think that Clairol had mislabled their colors.
Really, this box should have said BLACK AS A COAL MINERS ASS not...Light Golden Brown.





July 17, 2004

This Just In

We are back from the state swim meet.  stop
We have NOT had any frosty mugs filled with beer.  stop
We are burned, tired and tired.  stop
Results will be posted later.  stop

July 16, 2004

Swimming in a Frosty Mug May Be My Salvation

...cold beer...frosty mug...cold beer...frosty mug...
Tomorow is the swim meet from hell.
Yes, it's The Finals
Which, if your kid only qualifies in 1 thing...cheezy peezy
you watch their event, you go to the bar, badda bing bidda boop
However, my darling daughter, the guppy, has qualified in 6 events
yah, we will be there ALL THE LIVELONG DAY!!!!
brat
Who let her go to all those swimming lessons anyway...?

July 15, 2004

Profound Mess

If a pile of dirty clothes fall from the laundry chute and you are not home to see it fall...is it really there?
What ever happened to summers when all you wore was a swimming suit night and day and used the same damn towel for like, the whole summer?
Why does my house accumulate dirty clothes like a community wide garage sale?
Where are all the shoes coming from?
And why are they all lying in front of our door like a welcome mat?
Who ARE these people living in my house?
They seem to be eating, if not healthy, at least plenty...I mean I find pop bottles and popsicle sticks and empty potato chip sacks behind the couch, I find rings of sticky something or other decorating my coffee table, I see chocolate finger prints on the light switches (always on ON), I've found stuff you can't even tell what it is without calling in the forensic unit in between the couch cushions and yet, no one seems to know who actually did "the eating" or what I like to call "the pantry raid".
No one knows.
So maybe if I look away, pretend I don't even notice, the sunflower seed shells, the shriveled carcass of half eaten oranges, the scourge of the fridge nestled inside humungous corningware bowls with spoons encrusted and glued to the bottom with ... something...maybe...just maybe...it really won't be there.

chuhh right...and maybe monkeys might just fly outta my ass too!

July 14, 2004

Movie Madness aka I Stayed Awake!

Mark and I watched Kill Bill & The Butterfly Effect the other night. Yes, two in a row. I actually stayed awake for both of them, AND I actually watched the movies instead of reading a book while glancing sporadically at the tube. Kill Bill was something else. Of course the spraying blood began to be soooo overdone...it became a joke. I loved the movie. It's a combo of Pulp Fiction and Natural Born Killers and Ed Wood...hee hee. I LOVE Uma Thurman. I think it's because even through she is beautiful...her hands are massive and her feet and toes are U*G*L*Y...you ain't got no alibi...you ugly....you ugly...you ugly...! It makes her more...human...!
Butterfly Effect was good too...except for the ending with makes a horrible statement. Kind of like...well, the world's better off without me so I'll just KILL MYSELF. Gah...that ending pissed me off royally.
Moving right along...uhhhh....I guess that's it for now.
I'm off to make the donuts.
We've got some Red Hat Ladies coming in for breakfast this morning. So that will be fun. Maybe I'll take pictures and post them.
Later

July 12, 2004

Dressing Room Peek

How do you like my new clothes?
I wanted something different but now...I'm not sure I like it.

July 09, 2004

This My Friends Is The Reason For Penis Envy

You ever come home from a hell of a long day of:
working
going to ball games where you not only watched the game but drank a couple of beers
and find out when you finally get all the extra kids dropped off
and the dishwasher loaded up
and the lunches packed for the swim meet the next day
and the floor found from beneath the carpet of towels, baseball cleats and cat hair that you have to pee like a Russian Racehorse and then as you approach the throne you happen to notice a rancid stench and your eyes begin to water and you then know it can't be good and you probably have it all figured out
yes...It's true
your toilet is as clogged up as you've ever seen it and you just can't hardly freaking face it and you just decide right then and there that you wish you could just write your name in the dirt like all the boys instead of having to squat and drip but you are a woman, an apple without the stem so to speak, so instead you have to grin and bear it and plunge like a madwoman until the clots of shit expelled from another's ass have been shoved down the black hole and the whole damn bowl cleaned, rinsed and put back to sparkling shininess and THEN you can finally stand to utilize the facilities all the while thinking...I could have been admiring the stars.

July 08, 2004

Attention to ALL Evil Genius Type People Out There!

You know who you are...and if you don't...take this quiz!


This makes you an evil genius. You are extremely focused and difficult to distract from your tasks. With luck, you have learned to channel your energies into improving your intellect, rather than destroying the weak and unsuspecting.

Your friends may find you remote and a hard nut to crack. Few of your peers know you very well--even those you have known a long time--because you have expert control of the face you put forth to the world. You prefer to observe, calculate, discern and decide. Your decisions are final, and your desire to be right is impenetrable.

You are not to be messed with. You may explode.


July 07, 2004

Tour de France Photos

See neat photos of the Tour de France!

The Side Effects Of Attending School(these days)


1) Kids are kept soo busy during the school year they cannot NOT be busy during the summer directly resulting in

1a) Parents being unable to NOT be not busy during the summer as they are required to chauffeur, coach, provide "things" rearrange their work schedule, continue to provide for nutritional needs for family & care of home as always & occasionally the neighbors, maintain & provide learning experiences while attempting to be a positive role model for one's children directly resulting in

1b) An increase in expenses

1c) An increase in travel

1d) An increase in biting one's tongue

1d) A decrease in sleep

1e) A decrease in one's natural hair color

1f) An increase in blood pressure,

1g) An increase in biting off more than one can chew

directly resulting in

STRESS!!!!!!!!!

In Conclusion I must make this statement and hope that all schools everywhere incorporate this into their system. hahaha

Here it is...say it with me...

In Many Cases...Less Is More

July 05, 2004

Such a Fantastic Fifth!

Tonight was something special. Early on there was another rain storm. The third night in a row for us and we are so thankful. Maybe the drought will come to an end soon. Isn't funny how, after years of hardly any rain a mere 2-4 inches of rain in a few days can be such a ray of hope? Anyway, the storm came in and rained solid hard for a short time. The streets were flooded and the kids, I know I shouldn't have let them but I did, played out in the gutters and muddied up the lawn and got totally soaked. Around dusk Alec came running up to me in the living room shouting, "Look at the sky Mom!". I did and it was breathtaking. The southern sky was red, the western, creamy gold, the north had taken on a purplish hue...and silhouetted between leafy green elms to the south was a rainbow in full bloom. There was still intermittent lightning and just to the left of the rainbow someone was sending up their fireworks. The sky was ablaze with color! Another storm was rolling in and all along the southern sky was a giant, I think it would be called a wall cloud but I'm not sure, and it was shaped like a Chinese Dragon! I'm NOT KIDDING or exaggerating to make this a good story either. That dragon stretched out clear to the west and was lit up from below and above with bursts of lightning and the red, purple, gold and white stars from the neighborhoods Fourth of July fireworks! I sat right down on my porch railing and stayed there watching the show. I've never seen a better one and I wonder if I ever could. I wish you all could have been right there watching with me.

July 03, 2004

Sweeping, Singing & Eating

Cleaning the coffee shop listening to ABBA GOLD while eating a leftover apple turnover is fabulous. You should try it. In fact if you want to enjoy yourself as much as I am just send in your name with the dates you would be available and I'll sign you up.
Free of charge! You won't regret it. I promise!