Turds To The Moon!

If I had a bottle rocket it would be going down this piece of shit toilet we own. If you see a mushroom cloud over my house don't worry...It's just this sumbitch pot going to the farking MOON!! I do not know how many times I have told the people living in my house, "Poop flush, Wipe flush!". How hard is that? Just a little tiny courtesy flush is all I'm asking for...sonof a crap shemofo damn Today started off with a BANG! anyway, shoveling snow at 6 freaking 30 am is not my idea of HAPPY HAPPY JOY but it sure smells better than scooping shit at 9:30 pm. Mark has been gone, AGAIN! He is at the Green Bay Packers game (ps...who won anyhow I've been busy sticking a long plumbers tool down a stinky porcelain bowl hole) He left on Saturday and will be back tomorrow. Anyway, he missed not only the steamcleaning of the pharmacy carpets, the Christmas decorating, the lovely 8 inch snow we got, including SHOVELING AT 6:30 AM THIS MORNING...mofo. Thank you Katie, Andrew, and Alec and John for your shoveling skills...they are MUCHO appreciated importantly Mark missed the making of poopcicles which I surely did tonight by hauling blue bunny ice cream bucket after bucket of toilet swill from the toidy and tossing it to the great outdoors! Just a hint for those who are thinking of using DAWN dish washing liquid to perhaps cruise through and destroy any shitcake or whatever may be pluggin your toilet...DON'T DO IT! You just end up with frothy shitty chunky water all over your FREAKING BATHROOM FLOOR! Could someone please pass me a stick of dynamite and a Mich? Please hurry...I'm thinking of getting drunk and throwing Black Cats into the brink! It could be fun...?

Forte THIS!

If you were to come over and visit my house right now I would hope you were wearing Huggie Diapers because you might just shit yourself laughing or crying. Here's the scenerio: Alec is in the living room playing on his trumpet, FORTE no less, a medly of Christmas tunes...over and over and over. "Mom, I have to practice for 90 minutes because I forgot to yesterday and the day before!", explains Alec as his mother fakes an understanding smile and leaves the room. Nearing the stairs you would hear Andrew's music blaring from his computer, "You're so vaaaiiin!", next door to him is darling daughter Katie, who is also practicing her musical instrument of choice, her trap set. She wants to try out for honor band and is slamma jamming and dum diddy dumming and flamming and just having a wail of a good time...and DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN COULD IT BE ANY LOUDER IN THIS HOUSE?!!!

Frosty Beaver?

Do you know how the November moon got it's name of Full Beaver Moon? I thought not. For your information and amusement I present...(courtesy of Farmers Almanac) Full Beaver Moon - November This was the time to set beaver traps before the swamps froze, to ensure a supply of warm winter furs. Another interpretation suggests that the name Full Beaver Moon comes from the fact that the beavers are now actively preparing for winter. It is sometimes also referred to as the Frosty Moon. I myself find this analogyto be intriguing: The Frosty Beaver Moon first got it's name from gypsy's who had recently relocated along the banks of a rushing creek. The weather was extremely cold when a group of shivering women went to utilize the outhouse. The outhouse had such a horrid odor though that the women decided to use the creek bank as it was lined with trees. The bright light of the full moon showed them a path to walk. The temperature was steadily falling. When they found a perfect, shall we say "pissin' place", they hiked up their skirts and proceeded. Just at that precise moment the creek swelled and burst up along the banks and in a freakish accident as the water splashed against the women's backsides, it froze...need I say more?

Effing Ayyy What A Day

Cindy went to a tractor pull EIEIOOOOO. And on that tractor seat Kurt said EIEIOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Have fun at the tractor pull you RAG BALL Cindy Sue! Actually you are not just a RAG BALL you are the BEST DAMN PIE BAKING RAG BALL in the WORLD! This is a true fact and if you dispute me come down to Shirley K"s and we'll have a bake off. It's raining and my house is a SHIT STY! (not that raining has anything to do with my house being a shit sty) Katie made supper for me wasn't that sweet? She left the pans and dishes for my dessert. Alec did laundry all day and he even ran out of fabric softener...although there seems to be a humongous pile of clothes in the laundry room. Methinks he ran 1 thing at a time and used only SNUGGLE fabric softener and no soap. oh well Andrew came down and did dishes at the shop for about 2 hours straight...and there was STILL SOME LEFT! Gawd I love days like these! Geez Louise I'd just like to roll around on the carpet like a rabid dog! well on that note I"m TAKING A BATH and I WISH I could dye my hair and drink a Mich...shucks...don't have any

Things I Did Recently (like within the past 4 minutes)

1)thought I heard someone throw up so got up at freaking 5:23 am 2)found out it was a kid(mine) not throwing up but peeing 3)let out Pissin' Pete to piss because his dog tags sounded like jingle bells 4)ate 2 strawberry poptarts 5)opened a diet pepsi 6)turned on the weather channel...HEY WEATHER CHANNEL...PUT BACK OUR LOCAL WEATHER...NOW! 7)watched CMT because they have good songs that sound like naughty words sometimes like, SUM BEACH 8)wrote this drivel

I Dream Of Weenie...(just kidding)

One possible reason for my "dying my hair blonde dream" is: (1)Bleaching your hair suggests you would be wise to be somewhat less flirtatious, (WTF ME???)and dyeing it suggests that you are allowing vanity to overcome your common sense. (hmmmm making me ponder my vampy vane ways) Another is: (2)The act of changing colors in a dream symbolizes success through the use of constructive initiative and good judgment. If your dream featured dyed hair, it pertains to your business or professional career; if the dyed items were garments or cloth, your success will be in a social sphere. chuh...I know my success will NOT be in the social sphere for sure cuz dude...I am VULGAR & peoples have told me this...tho not necessarily to my face. Okay...I looked up the one where I dream that this stranger is in our rental house and he dies and we can't get into the house and guess what? It's must be way too hard to analyze so here is my question can YOU the READER please leave me a comment that will tell me what this dream means? Please?

Dream Probing

I dreamed I colored my hair BLONDE last night. I wonder what the hell I did to deserve that? I mean it could really be classified as a nightmare as I just did it the usual way...not the Dash Blog way. There was no Michelob Ultra, hot bubbly bathtub or dog eared book involved in any way. Something else I've noticed recently...is that I have occasionally dreamt of dead bodies in our rental house.Why? I must look that up and find out what my problem is. Tune in next time for my dream analysis P.S. Did you notice you can't spell analysis without anal?

Not Sure Why

Color Blind Blonde Moment...OR...Tired Old Mama

Yesterday, I wore two different colored socks. I didn't even notice until 9:00 pm. durrr At least it wasn't two different colored shoes...or two of the same shoes. This time. I actually wore two left shoes (both white) during the time when I was working as a floor nurse at the hospital. I was working a twelve hour night shift and as we were busier than hell. That shift turned into a fourteen hour marathon and my dogs were barking by the end of the night. When I finally had time to take off my shoes I noticed something. THEY WERE BOTH LEFT SHOES! durrrr I bought them at Walmart and tried only the LEFT one on. I never checked the box or "obviously" tried on the right shoe. I can't believe I didn't notice when I got my shoes on that night. It wasn't long after that I developed a bunion on my right foot.

Where Exactly Does Uranium Hail From?

URANUS hahahahahahaha ps...if you are in a plane flying over Nebraska and you look out and see a large glow in the middle of this glorious state and you squint real hard you might see my ASS. Yes it's true...I bathe in uranium tainted H2O...hopefully while enjoying a frosty cold Michelob Ultra whilst dying my hair light Golden Brown by the grace of Clairol. If you too would like to have your ass glow...(shelley...I said GLOW not BLOW) come over and take a nice hot bath at my house...I'll supply the beer but you have to bring your own hair dye. ps...I continue to drink H20 from my tap, gargle with it, fill water balloons up with it and wash Pissin' Pete in it. Why are the acceptable levels being lowered by the EPA? Do they have investments in RO (reverse osmosis)? ha ha I've read up on this issue and feel fairly sure that I'm going to change nothing, at this time, to continue as I have been with drinking, bathing, etc but yet, a small piece of my brain went....zipppp zapppp and honed in on Alec and his bone tumor, Andrew and his constant dermatitis of different types, the size of my ass...oh wait, that's not caused by Uranium. Anyway, it made me think of the show ERIN BROCKOVICH for a split second.

Felt Like It

A graphic I made while listening to sparklehorse sing "It's a sad and beautiful world".

WTF???

I think this may well be another...Well, you know you are from Nebraska when...story. On my way home to let out Pissin' Pete from his kennel around 11 am I drove past Gas N Slurp. So what you say or perhaps, who gives a rats ass. I saw something I still don't understand. .. again. There seemed to be a large amount of people standing around the place and I saw an ambulance there. I began to wonder what the hell happened. A fender bender, a crazed postal worker? Maybe that fat guy with no teeth and an ass the size of Maine finally had a heart attack? Nope...something even more fantastically morbid. As I drove closer I saw that there was a gaggle of hunters standing around. Immediately I thought...Oh my God..someone has been shot! Then I saw Men throwing body after body after body of dead animals into the back end of the ambulance. It appeared to be filled to the brim. I never noticed the name on the side of the ambulance. This was not a trip to the veterinarian, of that I was sure. WTF???

Another Day Another Brain Infarction

Let's see if I could sum up today in one word...hmmmmm I think I could just about do it....and that word would be SHIT because... 1) sleepless night related to a)Mark b)a farking Shopko COLD virus c)hunger pangs related to c1)Mark c2)fat cells got used to food on 24 hour long bitch posse shopping trip which included but was not limited to feasting/gluttonous behavior and all around ass enlarging snacking and are now screaming out for constant nourishment 2)Mark left at 5am and luckily I was AWAKE to wish him goodbye and he will be gone all week (this one could swing both ways...hahahah) therefore, since I leave for work before him and the kids I will potentially have a)my boys going to school in their underwear, stocking cap(due to alfalfa hair) greeting the teachers with fetid morning boy breath b)my girl going to school in short shirts or some other unlikely combo c)many broken shards of furniture impaled in various parts of my boys body as they slam, pile drive and shuffle their way to school only 1/2 hour late d)high heat bills, high light bills, and dog piss all over the house as the children will surely forget to shut off the lights, will leave the doors open and forget to shut up the mighty mighty Petey Pissmaster in his kennel e)endless variations too numerous to mention 3)Employee problemo's that cause my teeth to clench at this very moment creating a sharp pain starting in my jaw and radiating upward along the nape of my rigid neck to settle and perhaps stay for the winter right behind my right EYE WHERE IT PULSES WITH EACH BEAT OF MY STUTTERING HEART!!!!

There's No Place Like Home...except the mall

Well, the trip was a roaring success. Success, that is, if you mean we left town, bought things, and returned with all of us in the vehicle. Relatively undamaged. A few Christmas presents were bought, even. unfortunately I came back with a cold. The very first store we went to on Friday morning...Shopko...a sneeze, then another then, kablammo...I was attacked. Anyway, we laughed SO MUCH!! It was great and ended too soon as far as I'm concerned. I tried an audioblog...from Applebees with the BP...but for some reason I see it didn't take. Probably a good thing really. A FEW HIGHLIGHTS ~~G,Jo Jo the dancing girl and moi went to a movie at the Grand Island Mall. We saw Shall We Dance...and it was AWESOME! It's a feel good chick flick kind of thing. We laughed we cried. You must go! Jo Jo and I discovered that G has a bit of a mooing problem. G moos during movies, maybe it was just this movie...but I think not. I think she moos during all movies. Jo and I laughed so hard I thought we would get kicked out. ~~Going to Victorias Secret and all of us getting new sassy unmentionables(which by the way, if you have any uhhh Ta Tas at all...push 'em right up to meet the bottom of your chin!)...except Jo Jo who prefers to save her money for booze and her cruise. ~~Getting new names...G is now Pina Geterson, Jo...To Jeter, Jude is now Moody Jousel, Lois Lane is now...Fori Larr, mine is boring Meryl ShCurdy but the best is Suz who had the best new handle in the BP...Huz Suxoll...say huz like whose and then you will see why her name is the funniest!

YAHOOOOOOOO

It's here. The Day. In 1 1/2 hours we ride! The BAWLS are packed (see previous entry about Not letting myself sleep), the wish lists are assembled (though I won't even use them), now all I have to do is: Wash (this could be a long drawn out affair) find a purse (this could be a long drawn out affair) find some money (this could be a long drawn out affair) find the credit card(got it) Pack (found bag from last year...it's half packed already) (note to self...take extra soap and donate to Mrs. P...she never brings any as she is a non box washing nasty wench) I'm going to try making an audio blog from the ride. It should be...well, something else...yikes!!!!

Betty Ford Clinic ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT

I think I may be going on the (trumpets please!) ANNUAL BITCH POSSE SHOPPING TRIP THIS YEAR! It's tomorrow. I am going. Unless, for some reason, I can't go. Please say a little tiny prayer for me because I REALLY NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE FOR AWHILE! We leave at 9 am. Which means that at around 9:30 Jo Jo will show up drinking a Zima. She is SUCH A DAMN SOAK! Our first stop is usually U-SAVE liquor where we grab a cart and start spending those shopping dollars. I hope I can stay awake while we motor to the big cities of Kearney and Grand Island (where we will spend a fun filled night eating, drinking, belching and attaining massive amounts of water weight gain. Take it from me. You DON'T WANT TO FALL ASLEEP on one of these trips. You could wake up and have a blow up doll strapped to your head, a pound of margarita salt in your purse and your head 1/2 shaved. These bitches can rival the deviants on the show JACKASS any day of the week...blindfolded. Just for shits and giggles... Here is the 2003 post about our trip and here is the 2002post.

Local News!

Today a vehicle accidentally made our local newspaper office a drive through. No one was injured thank goodness! Later on that same afternoon...You know you are from Nebraska when a tumbleweed takes a stroll down the sidewalk...and stops at the local watering hole(Shirley K's Coffee Shop!)

Percey You ROCK MY WORLD!

Have you ever wondered about the stability of car wash sprayer thing a ma bobs? I'm always a bit apprehensive when I go through one of those automated car washes. I did that last night while waiting for our pizza/calzone order (which by the way took WAY TOO LONG & when I got my order the lady who put the calzone into a box said, "You might want to microwave it for a while" while I just said, "Oookkayyyy" wondering if the chicken Alfredo calzone would be a teeming mass of lukewarm bacteria waiting to feast on our vital organs). Anyway, as I sat there in the dark, scary carwash waiting for the "spray apparatus" to start washing off the soap I heard this humungous roaring sound and I saw, through a small soapless spot, a powerful jet stream of water heading for the car. The car wash arms were spinning wildly and the roar turned deafening as the hurricane hit my car. The whole auto rocked as the powerful jets howled and roared and rinsed my dirty bastard of a car off in tornadic swirls. For a few seconds, when the soap cleared, all I could see were these "arms" spinning like mad and heading for the windshield. I started wondering about car wash freak accidents and how embarrassing that would be on the front page of the Clarion. Thank God the washing ended not long after my panic attack began. P.S....no signs of liver failure, botulism, Hershey squirts or the hurls either. Thank you Percey L Spencer for inventing the microwave!

Phallic Cranium Alert...dick head dream

To see a snake or be bitten by one in your dream,(on the left leg mind you as I was going into a door) signifies hidden fears and worries that are threatening (ARE YOU THREATENING ME!)you. (do these jeans make my ass look 3 axe handles and a shoebox wide?) Your dream may be alerting you to something in your waking life that you are not aware of or that has not yet surfaced.(not aware? Moi??...ha ha...I laugh at this) The snake may also be seen as phallic (! ewwwwww...)and thus symbolize dangerous and forbidden sexuality.( Uh Ohhhhh...not again) The snake may also refer to a person around you who is callous, ruthless, and can't be trusted.(Mark????)As a positive symbol, snakes represent transformation, knowledge and wisdom.(Now we are talking!) It is indicative of self-renewal and positive changes. (you bet your ass it does) Okay, Okay...it's means EVERYTHING from good to bad. Isn't it odd that 3 off us at the pharmacy/coffee shop have had a dream about snakes this past week or so? hmmmmmmmmmmm

It Just Might Work!

I just saw an e-mail that was filtered into my "junk" folder. I laughed til I cried. Perhaps it's the bleak early morning tiredness that makes one a bit manic and easily amused...or perhaps the inventor of this phrase is a pure ass genuis. Pump Up Your Stump. Now THAT is a funny title. I mean some of the others are just plain dowdy like, the old, Enlarge Your Penis one or the Size DOES Matter one. I mean really...the person who thought of that deserves a gold star...or...something. they said...stump....hee hee hee

Fun For The Insanely Bored

giggle...need something to cheer you UP...try making and then sending someone a card from Nude Messenger

Shirley K's Coffee Shop ROCKS!

I am SO going to take a new cd I bought for Alec down to the shop and turrnnn upppp the radiooooo! Yes, it's WRESTLING ROCKS...Anthems of the RIng...featuring TWISTED SISTER...THE RAMONES...RATT...ALICE COOPER...AND MORE! Yah baybe...I'm sure the crowd will eat it up. or something like that. I wish I had time to find my Tiny Tim CD to play for Shelley Belly...hmmmmm note to self...find or make cd of Tiny Tim Tunes for above said evil person!

The Golden Rule

I never really sit down and think what to write in this blog. I usually have such a limited amount of time that I sit down, type something and post it without really thinking everything out. Because, really, who reads this crap besides me and a couple others anyway? Well, tonight I sat down and thought about what I wanted to write. I actually looked for the right quote I wanted to use. I've spent some time thinking. and yet...I ramble...but here are some quotes I found that I want to share with anyone who happens upon this Dash Blog site... "Losers live in the past. Winners learn from the past and enjoy working in the present toward the future." by Denis Waitley This quote describes my husband...not the loser part...the winner. He is a winner in that category hands down no matter what happens in the election tonight. Not one person could deny that. Also, the quote below, he is always ready to continue. He is not afraid of controversy. Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts." ...and this one Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen." If Mark is one thing...it is a good listener. I've seen his listen to people for hours and hours. I've seen his patience with others. I know Mark would be a wonderful asset to the board, again, but I am not courageous, or as patient as he and I want his to be elected off the board. I've grown tired of the juvinile behavor of so called "grown ups" that live around here. I cannot believe the depth of ignorance and cruelty that these grown people resort to. Adults behaving as if they were in junior high or even elementary school. I really am in total disbelief. I cannot understand why these people are not embarrassed to death for the actions they take, of their own free will. I think you all, and you know who you are, should take a good hard look at yourselves in the mirror and ask yourself if you really, truly think you have done nothing wrong. Is is wrong to belittle others? to be disrespectful of others? to vainly think that your views can be the only views? How can any one of you justify cruelty to another human being. To someone who is just living life, doing their job and trying to do the right thing. I ask again, how can you justify cruelty? How can anyone in their right mind condone someone who is is disrespectful of women and children. Would you like these values passed on to our future leaders? Our children? Cruelty? Impatience? Vanity? If so, than I pity you because I for one would not care to have my children faced with a future of such horific qualities. I will leave you all with this final quote... "The wise man questions the wisdom of others because he questions his own, the foolish man, because it is different from his own."