I'm A Freak Of Nature...or...New Boy In Town

Did that capture your attention? hee hee dancing....dancing around......I got a wino haircut last night...THANK YOU FOR MAKING ME A SURPRISE APPOINTMENT CINDY...as if THAT isn't a hint about something...zoiks Here's the story G called me last night and said, Get your ass over here I've got a jug with your name on it! I went chuh as if I would even comb my hair first I was in such a hurry She greeted me, and popped the cork. We then went to see Cindy, who was getting a perm so we could make fun of her AND drink wine whilst doing so. Slats was there too. She had new blonde locks and was lookin foin. After Cindy was frizzed and the wine half gone, the hairdresser stated that Cindy had lovingly made me an appoinment, to get my 4 hairs done. I was like, huh? I don't wanna. The hairdresser said, Well it's been about 6 months, so you're due. I'd been sawing around on my hair with the fiskers only a few weeks ago, and I knew it was a REAL BAD HACK JOB. Anyway, due to peer pressure, I got in the chair and got a fuzz buzz. It really highlights all my zits(WTF is a 38 year old woman doing with zits) After this we went to the bar, which I haven't done for many many many moons and we proceeded to get faced, and I chewed all my fake nails off and left a trail like to the bathroom like a Hansel and Gretel story book action figure. ...pic of me after many brews...durr...hic! pic of me today with hangover and bloody stubs ...why does my hair look shorter? Did some of it fall out or ????

I Feel Tingly & Political...all at the same time!

I discovered a wealth of information about global warming (please note the dates on these articles) and climate change that "seem"...chuh durr to point out a few things...WAKE UP BUSH and GET OFF YOUR ASS ABOUT GLOBAL WARMING! ps...I think GW has had a stroke or a TIA...he seems a bit "leany" on the left side of his mouth...? Signals More Global Warming, Extreme Weather - UN SWITZERLAND: December 16, 2004 GENEVA - Global warming is set to continue, and bring with it an increase in extreme weather such as hurricanes and droughts, scientists from the United Nations' World Meteorological Organisation warned on Wednesday. Weather Warnings Hang Over Tense Climate Talks ARGENTINA: December 16, 2004 BUENOS AIRES, Argentina - Experts warned on Wednesday that the world is seeing some of its hottest weather and worst natural disaster damage as environment ministers tried to crack US resistance to joining international efforts against global warming. Strong Quake Hits Cayman Islands, No Damage Seen CAYMAN ISLANDS: December 16, 2004 GEORGE TOWN, Cayman Islands - A strong earthquake measuring 6.7 on the Richter scale struck the Cayman Islands on Tuesday but did not appear to have caused serious damage, the US Geological Survey and local residents said. Heatwave Study May Fuel Global Warming Lawsuits....written December 3, 2004 JAPAN: December 29, 2004 TOKYO - An earthquake with an estimated magnitude of 4.9 struck the northern Japanese prefecture of Niigata on Tuesday but no tsunami warning was issued. One of World's Largest Quakes Hits Near Australia AUSTRALIA: December 29, 2004 CANBERRA - Australia's southern state of Tasmania was rocked by the world's largest earthquake in three-and-a-half years when it struck under the sea half way between Australia and Antarctica on Friday, seismologists said.

Ears a Tale 'Bout Warts!

Here is a picture of a sign that was posted on our coffee shop window. For some reason it tickled me. I think that a police sketch artist should be called in and his talents utilized in making a character drawing to be posted along with the sign...or maybe YOU should draw what you think this poor little thing looks like, post it, and send me the link! grin

Let Me Get Out a Soapbox Please

Could it be possible that there is no Osama Bin Laden? Maybe his face is "just" an icon of evil and we are using that particular piece of the puzzle to be the, if you will, informer of other terrorists? Sort of like the "you've got mail" voice...only this would be, of course, You've got an evildoer? Why the hell can't we find him. We found Suddam Hussain in a hole. Where could Osama be? The White House, in the Abe Lincoln room? A Starbucks having a latte? There is no good reason that someone can't find this man...none. There has to be someone who is washing this man's clothes, feeding him lunch, trimming his beard...wait...maybe not that. There has to be someone who knows, if he really exists, that he is evil and needs to be ratted out. Step up people, go to bat, take care of this little piece of shit and flush him down that crapper. He is a high profile evil doer and his voice should be snuffed out. ...stepping off of soapbox, tripping and almost breaking head open

Insomnia, my buddy, it's time you moved on now

I slept very little last night. Went to bed at 3:30 and got up at 5:30. I watched CNN early evening and became, stunned, by the horifying tradedy of the tsunami. How horrible. There are no words to describe the ugliness of the devestation. How many children are without parents tonight, how many parents are without children? It boggles the mind...well, it boggled mine last night, over and over and over. So I got up, and made labels for the shop, watched the moon, thought about death and destruction and finally hit the fart sack at 3:30. I woke up feeling refreshed though...odd...those three days off must have revived me somehow...uhh ohhhh...must go tuck kidlets in. goodnight

BRAN...bike ride across Nebraska

...the theme for BRAN 2005 will be 'BRAN 25-Silver Lining Tour'. June 4-11th (Saturday is a travel day to get to Kimball. The first official 'ride' day is Sunday the 5th. We leave from Kimball on that date.) Day 1: Kimball to Bridgeport-71.8 miles Day 2: Bridgeport to Arthur-104.9 miles Day 3: Arthur to Arnold-84.2 miles Day 4: Arnold to Loup City-70.4 miles Day 5: Loup City to Aurora-70.3 miles Day 6: Aurora to Brainard-73.7 Day 7: Brainard to Waterloo-43.5 this is IT!! I've GOT TO START GETTING IN SHAPE!! I MEAN IT! No more beer, nachos, and especially NO MORE LEMONADE (it's a LONG story)

Today...We SHOP!

I ripped the last fingernail off last night. It was SUCH a satisfying crunch! Now, we must run like the wind and buy a few dozen more. Yes, I know it's the day after Christmas. But I promised Katie. So, here we go. My list: Fingernails Candy, Lard, Ice Cream, Cake, Pie's, Beers, Soda, Cheetos, Nachos, Chips of various styles, Bon Bons, Whole Milk, Cream, Real Butter, Bigger jeans...for ME!!! Cuz I'm hoping to apply for the Fat Lady Needed For The Circus job I saw in the classified and I want to look nice. I mean I need polyester, pup tent style. I want that job damnit and I'm just not quite there yet but I'm CLOSE...so very close I CAN TASTE IT!

How To Properly Kiss Your Woman

Taken from an old edition of the Farmers� Almanac Don�t peck a woman on the forehead or the end of the nose, or jerk at her bonnet strings in haste to get through. Do take the left hand of the young lady in your right; let go of your hat, just let it drop. Throw your left hand over the lady�s shoulder and let it fall down to her waist. (huhhh?? this broad must be a slat ass) Draw her gently and lovingly to your heart. Don�t be in a hurry. Her left hand is in your right � clasp it firmly, gently, and with thought and respect. Don�t be in a hurry. Her head lies on your shoulder.(chuh...if she's standing on a stepladder) Look into her half-closed eyes. Lean forward with your head, not your body. (I myself like getting a "lean into the body(good and hard)" kind of kiss....rowrrrr) Take good aim � the lips meet � the eyes close � the heart opens (where's the tongue action?)� (don�t be in a hurry) � the heart forgets all bitterness, and the incomparable art of kissing is learned. ...Now get out there, find some mistletoe and kiss your honey!

It's Begining To Look Alot Like Christmas!

Today, according to the Farmers Almanac, is a good day to "mow to retard growth", so...please, Shelley, MOW YOUR LEGS!! (Probably your tongue too)...acky poo Poooor Shelley, she had a long, long, long, day yesterday. I feel bad for her bad self. Moscow mules and Shelley belly...don't mix...(evil laugh) I hope Santa brings you some Pepto Bismol...smirk. ps...it's SNOWING! YAYYYYYYYYYYYY

Farmers Almanac Info I Love To Read About

I've been perusing the Farmers Almanac again and gleaned these interesting facts: This is our current moon phase... � The Full Cold Moon; or the Full Long Nights Moon - December During this month the winter cold fastens its grip, and nights are at their longest and darkest. It is also sometimes called the Moon before Yule. The term Long Night Moon is a doubly appropriate name because the midwinter night is indeed long, and because the Moon is above the horizon for a long time. The midwinter full Moon has a high trajectory across the sky because it is opposite a low Sun. This info is called...The Best Times (to do something) in December: � Bake 13, 14, 19-21 � Can Fruits and Vegetables 1, 9, 10, 27, 29 � Dry Fruits and Vegetables 2, 3, 29-31 � Jams and Jellies 9, 10 � Cut Firewood 11-25 � Cut Hair 7, 8, 11, 12, 15-18 � Mow to Increase Growth 11-25 � Mow to Retard Growth 1-10, 26-31 � Castrate Farm Animals 11-18 � Harvest 4-10 � Prune Trees 13, 14 � Wean 11-18 � Hunt 11-17 � Fish Mornings: 1, 2, 30 Evenings: 10, 11, 28, 29 � Quit a Habit or Smoking 2-6, 26, 29-31

It's Toooo Early For Morning!

Okay, here's the deal. Having a Christmas party to go to is fun. When it's "your own", it's fun as well. It is NOT FUN however to get up the next morning and go "make the donuts"...ugh I'm a worthless blob this morning. We had SUCH a great partay. It was a potluck and everyone brought something yummy. We had a little wine (oi!) and Cindy Sue made AWESOME Moscow Mules(oi! oi!)! We did NOT have a power point presentation of "Mark's Pharmacy/Shirley K's...through the ages"...thank God! ...mouth dry...need water...must go...

Eenie Meenie Miney Mo

I think I'm going to try something new! (no Mark, not that feather thing) I just might exercise tonight. yah I'm thinking about it...weighing that against sitting down, watching the Simpsons while sipping a freezing cold beer. I't a close one. If only I HAD a cold frosty beer...it would be such an EASY decision then.

Christmas Songs That Bing Crosby or Brenda Lee Did NOT Sing:

It's Begining To Look Alot Like Kissmyass! Jinglefuckingbells Jinglefuckingbells I Saw Mama Boinking Santa Claus All I Want For Christmas Is A Garbage Disposal Rudolph The Red Nosed Wino Frosty The Snobitch

Day 4...or...The Gnashing

My fingernails remain intact except for the right hand pinky...it was just begging for a gnashing last night. So of course I complied. On another nail note... Last night, at the ball game, I heard someone whom I shall call, Long Tall Sally, rumbling in her gigantic purse and as I thought she was getting out candy or gum, held my hand out. She looked quizical and then pulled out a baggy full of, fingernails. Not as a snack mind you, but as "spares" for her Tony Press Ons. Yes, she had popped a nail, mid game. I did not know there were so many people who wore fake nails. Now I am beginning to notice these things. AND I realize that I am not the ONLY one with bloody stubs for nails.

Plucking Twangers Anyway!

I'm late but check out this link courtesy of pornblography!

Mean At Heart

I just watched MEAN GIRLS for the third time. I know I know I'm too old to be watching that but I LOVE IT!

Day 2

Fingernails remain intact though sanity is walking a fine thin line. How many of my eyes can I spare? Both I hope for I have almost GOUGED them out repeatedly. Unfortunately, due to ass largeness and pants smallness I have to pull at my waistband throughout the day and I have created many a lovely fissure across my FAT HIPS! Who invented fingernails? Get back to me on that will ya?

My Nails Look HOT!

Who do you know that drives around town with a case of BAWLS in their trunk and a bread machine riding purty in the passenger seat? me, your local BAWL drinkin' bread makin' pal. Anyway, Alec barfed last night and I kept him home til about 11:30 today before I let him go back to school. By then he felt fine, I still felt like I'd been hit by a bus. Can you believe that I HAD NO COFFEE AT MY HOUSE? Also, we were low on the toliet paper. Not a good combo. I still have a head banger and I've now had a cappuccino(my favorite 2 shots in the shorts with sugar free caramel!), and 2 bottles of sugar free BAWlS. I also picked up terliet paper and spaghetti goods. I am having a HELL OF A TIME TYPING THIS as Cindy Sue pasted FINGERFUCKINGNAILS on my bloddy stubs last night and I am not used to having nails. They do look nice though. Check out the picture! Only thing is, I may have to use a chain saw to get them off...!

Picture This Sad Little Sort of Maybe It's a Haiku

3 children 2 in detention 1 observing little turd All 3 - mine

Gibberish Before Bedtime!

Mark and I went shopping...together. We went to Grand(e) Island after the b-ball games on Saturday night. Which...almost gave me an ulcer...please please girls...NOT SO DAMN CLOSE! jeez And during the game we were listening to the Husker Girls Volleyball Team compete in Louisville Kentucky against USC and damn if THEY didn't almost give me an ulcer as well. It sucks we lost in the 5th by 2. DAMN IT! We were all rooting and cheering and we LUV it when our local VB queen, Christina Houghtelling SLAMS IT! Anyways, back to the story. We picked up a bottle of hooooch, per my request, because remember people...I AM THE VULGAR EVIL ONE! Mark is just the wannabe. side note...we stopped at the Hole-dridge liquor store...so VERY VERY NICE...and I mean that and we got Caramel Apple Schnapps! Yummy with a big Y and something else. I drank about 3 gulps of the schtuff and, of course, immediately fell to sleep...Sort of. You know that sort of dreamy relaxed, put the seat back and listen to the music kind of half daze...no Shelley it wasn't a drunken stupor! Anyway...we put in the new CD I got in the mail the other day from none other than...THE ARTIST FORMERLY KNOWN AS AND AS OF YET STILL IS...SHENRY. Well, anyway shenry mixed it up for me. We rocked! Later that same evening, we made it to Grand Island. We slept and woke SO REFRESHED! hahahahahahahahahah When I woke at 5:30, because I'm USED to getting up then, the wind was blowing like a mofo. I'm talking 35-40 mph !! I instantly thought of my Snowman Bouncer that I'd left outside the coffee shop on Saturday. Therefore I worried until about 8 ish and then I called my Dad and casually asked him to GO PUT THE SNOWMAN INSIDE THE COFFEE SHOP!!!! jeeze Okay...other things: Mark and I ate at Old Chicago and as we were on the waiting list awhile we had a chance to sit, and look at people. yah...I saw a freak. A real peach. I saw this guy with eyebrows the length of many men's, and sadly a few woman's armpit hair. GAHHH....I couldn't keep my eyes off him. It was like a traffic accident...Morbid curiosity kept my eyes glued to his massive brows! side note...see Eyebrow Makeovers...chuhhh they have them! I wanted to grab the kitchen shears, a nail file, a hack saw, a butter knife, a toenail trimmer, a steak knife, a broken piece of glass and run up, snip of the excess hair and rid society of that mangy snarl of hair. Hell, I bet he could have donated that thatch to the locks for love foundation. god...I then ordered the Angelhair pasta....JUST KIDDING!!! I had a Calzone that was awesome and Mark had a Guacamole Burger that was also good. Well, enough rambling for now.

Zoiks!`

I just hit 10,000 visits to my site! ...course it might just be like a wrong number or something like that. My home phone number is like 1 number off of our local Gas-n-Slurp and I occasionally get calls at home requesting me make pizza for take out...

Ramdom Morning"ish" Thoughts

My son Andrew's ear appears to be...well, cracking off. Isn't that gross? He must have left the "connecting" tissue part somewhere on the wrestling mat. ewwwwww In other news bitchwad Jo Jo the dancing girl is back from her "glorious 2 week cruise". She did not get seasick and appeared to have a WONDERFUL time, even without her dear Bitch Posse friends. To this...I give her the one finger salute! Saaallllluuuuuu!! Remember Hee Haw (blushing cuz I do) and that cheesey way at the end of the show they all shouted "Saaallluuuuu!" Was that REALLY what they shouted? Or was it something else? I always THOUGHT it was "Salute" only drug out to SOUND like "Saaaaallllluuuu!".

Pocket Protectors Unite! You MUST Shake Your ASS NOW!

CLICK IT CLICK HERE DO IT DO IT DO IT You can DO IT! Ohhhh black betty......Ohhhh black betty! whoo dancing dancing singing!!! yahhhhhh Red wine! Snapping fingers...jiggling ass...whoooooo!! ...the only bad thing about this song is that I always think of this certain someone by that name...but she is the epitome of NERD... I always envision her turning on the stereo and just gettin' jiggy wit it and throwing her pocket protector up in the air and dancing over this air grate like Marilyn Monroe and...well...anyway...I digress...Everytime I see her I think...ohhh black betty blam a lam! Makes me giggle every DAMN TIME! I swear...I need to get out more! jeez pathetic really ..... When you are done dancing to Black Betty Click on Limp Bizkit and FAITH! It can ROCK YOUR WORLD!

The BoB Awards are OPEN...nominate someone!

The Best of Blogs (BoB) Awards seek to recognize the best personal blogs of the year. We strive to recognize the smaller blogs in categories that other competitions would never think to honor. You want political blogs? Sorry, nothing to see here, move along. You want to vote for the Snarkiest Blog? Best Sex Blog? Best Knitting or Crafting Blog? Now you're talking! The Nominations page is live so you can see the full list of nominating categories. These categories will open to nominations on December 10th, 2004 and close to nominations on December 24th. See the rules page for a full explanation of how and when to cast your vote. Make sure to bookmark this page and visit us again on the 10th so you can honor your favorite journal of the year! Visit some of the blogs I have on my blogroll and Nominate Someone! You could EVEN NOMINATE me! I'm sure there is a catagory for suckiest!

Love Those Songs!

Here is a list of songs I Love! Most of these were used on the CD I just sent out for a CD SWap I'm involved in through reading Shenry. I hope they are Shenworthy! A Dash Blog It All CD Loretta Lynn and Jack White - Portland Oregon Belle and Sebastian - I'm Waking up to Us sparklehorse - sad & beautiful world Cake - I Will Survive Jet - Are You Gonna Be My Girl Jet - Cold Hard Bitch presidents-peaches Tone Loc - Funky Cold Medina Sheryl Crow - The First Cut Is The Deepest everyday is a winding road sheryl crow mir� kill bill 2 soundtrack kill bill 2 Turner, Josh - Long Black Train Black Eyed Peas - Let't Get It Started beach lost without you Lifehouse-You Belong to Me the B52s - Private Idaho staind-so far away the flying lizards- Money That's What I Want RL Burnside - Bad You Know Morphine - Early To Bed Soul Coughing - Walk Around In Circles Jeff Buckley - Last Goodbye

Wind Song Stays On My Mind

Remember that perfume commercial...for Windsong? I can hear the windchimes outside and they sound as if they are playing a song! I love that. I hate the fact that that little perfume ditty is in my head though...damn. Of course it could be worse...it could be this one...It say's Libby's Libby's Libby's on the label label label you will like it like it like it at your table table table if it say's Libby's Libby's Libby's on the label lable label or something like that. Side note...I laghed SO HARD LAST NIGHT I felt as if I was going to DIE! More about that...later!

Why My Life Is Like a Sitcom

Because it's all about reality these days and there is nothing more "real" than my life. In fact I'd call it: Real messy, real empty of nutritious food, real full of my children, all of which are angry at me tonight, at this hour, for many reasons but not limited to: 1) boyfriend issues (out with the old in with the new and the sub issues that revolve around this multi faceted crisis which in effect has led to mood swings, lipping off and other general, shall we say, unhappiness to all parties involved and the occasional hysterics(mine mostly) related to attempts at parental advice, motherly concern and lastly, the ultimate in "I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO OR SAY SO I'LL JUST TROT OUT THIS - threats. 2)bedtime issues (not related to the above but to the lingering rugrats who attempt to listen in on the above conversations aka shouting matches 3)towel issues (on the floor, under the bed, behind the doors and none in the bathroom) 4)Christmas shopping issues, such as, when, where, how, and what 5)bill issues, such as,, "Where in the HELL did I lay that phone bill?" and "Where in the hell IS the phone?". 6)marital issues such as, "Why always, football, western or space invader movies?" 7)psychological issues such as, should I send my rat terrier Petie into counseling because he will lapse with ease into a pissing frenzy, at will? Petie! did you pee on the carpet? 8)experi-MENTAL issues like, what IS that in the fridge? 9)no dining room table issues so we eat on a cardboard table that lookes like a checkerboard and occasional I find cherrios scattered across it's top in a serious checker duet. and finally the last reason my life is like a sitcom 10)it makes no sense whatsoever

Hey Miche You're So Fine You're So Fine You ...get the picture!

Look at this picture and see what Mark brought home today! It's like Christmas, only better, because it's...NOW! Another view! AND THERE ARE RECIPES!

Christmas Gifts For That Special Someone!

First of all...let's DECORATE Soon it will be time to replace that pesky calender. Why not choose THIS one. I even found a special action figure that features a BARISTA! Better yet, I found a special cup and saucer that would be perfect for our WIDE LOAD! Here is a useful TOOL for Cindy and I at 5:01! Finally I found SOMETHING for that special man in your life. Cuz we all know THEY NEED HELP! hee hee hee

Pew

Let's see how wonderful I feel at church this week. Perhaps the "church postmistress" will be there to give me my "church mail" that has accumulated again. I purely love that.

Lucky Shot(err likely) or Skill Passed Down Through Mamma's Gene Pool?! (I'm SURE of it!)

Okay, here is a dream for all who have played and loved sports. It's a girls basketball game...you are into an overtime...the score...the home team (yours) is down by 2 points and with 5 seconds left...you rush down the court, get the ball, and shoot for 3...and WIN THE GAME!!! Unbelieveable? Yes...but TRUE! AND my DAUGHTER made the winning shot! AND better yet...I WAS THERE! WHOOO HOOOOO!yayyyyyyyyyyyyy Katie!!!!!

Foiled Again!

Every morning I am surprised. I wake up, stumble to the bathroom (upstairs, avoiding the exploding can), and after the normal hygienic adventures, weigh myself and EVERY morning I say...sonofabitch! Every night, after I take a bath (mich,dye and book optional), I weigh myself and I say...you sow! Apparently I REALLY expect to: A)wake up and be thin one day B)come home after a hard day's work (at a coffee shop) and find that during the course of my busy day I've worn myself to a nubbin!