March 31, 2005

I Feel Like I'm In An Elevator And Can't Get Off...kind of

You know the feeling? It's like...spinning your wheels and getting nowhere?
Trapped
In an elevator
...with elevator muzak...
and that guy who is a public nose mining silent cabbage farter
Help Me!!



March 29, 2005

Just Call Me Chief Twig-n-Berries Trimmer

I walked downstairs from tucking in the kiddos and there was Mark, reclined, chuckling, watching a show about eunuchs.
WTF?
There was a show on IFC last night about eunuchs. A sweeter show than this could not be produced, I might add. There are, apparently, people who call themselves, "cutters" who are paid to go around and help people who "want to become eunuchs". Yes, there are actually people who WANT to become sexless. I have often thought of people who need their twig and berries cut off but I never dreamed there were willing victims roaming the planet. Willing victims who PAY to have their saggy sacs split and removed. Like some guy is walking down the street and thinks, I'm sooo sick and tired of having sex! Man I wish I could find someone who I could PAY to tie me up, take a knife or whatever they wish...and cut my genitals off!
There may be a place for my two brick method after all!

March 28, 2005

Grossed Me Out...yah...ME

Did anyone see the story on the "Strongest Boy In The World" yesterday?
...sick...and even more...Sick...

March 26, 2005

Easy Peasy



Would you rather have someone at your service to........prepare all your meals (including grocery shopping and putting the groceries away) and do clean up afterwards OR have someone gather, wash, dry, iron and put all of your clothes away?
That is SO EASY for me!
I HATE to match the socks and to put the laundry away.
gah and yurck
I'd rather wash 1,000 dishes a day...wait minute...I ALREADY DO THAAT!

March 24, 2005

My Biscuits Is Red

I've been tanning to get ready for BRAN. Nope...not biking...no working out...no weightlifting...just tanning....hahahahhahah
Seriously, I got REALLY sunburned last year on the ride and I even have a row of burn scars on the top of my thigh and on my shoulderblades (that is if you could see my "blades") This year I vowed not only would my biscuits be ready...they'd be tanned and ready!
I've been increasing my time in the cancer bed in baby steps of 2 minutes for about 3 weeks now and today I went from 12 minutes to 15. May have been 1 minute to much. I'm a wittle wed now. I've got sooo much moisturizing lotion on I can barely stay sitting on this chair...AND I've got my sweat pants on!

March 23, 2005

Jesus Loves Me This I Know

Just ask the BP's.
We won one we lost one.
Here is the rest of the story!
We went to "The Rocket" for a beer after the game and instead of sitting in the smoky bar we sat, just us 4 chicks, in the other "dark kind of closed" area. Really this was a whole other room of this particular place.
We four could be classified as: married(me)/divorcing/just breaking up with a man/practically a newlywed and all of us agreed we were NOT in need of manly entertainment so this was where we wanted to perch.
I went to the other room and ordered beer, said hello to a few people all of whom I could not recall the names of because I have that kind of memory and all of them were fairly inebriated(just a guess) and departed. Our pitcher of beer arrived and the waitress said something that made us smile! Your beer is payed for!
Someone bought us a round because I took care of his Dad when I was home health nursing. That was nice!
Whooooooooo whoooooo!!!
Later a man named or who calls himself, Jesus, came over and talked to me. He thought I should move down to Stockville and yadda yadda yadda.
All the BP's laughed at me and though I gave him a false name the rest of those traitorous beyoches said they were all named, Sheryl.
rags
Soon, a slightly less drunk man (disciple??) sauntered over to our table, where Jesus was proving to become a bit of a nuisance, asked us if we were being "bothered" (the BP's adamantly stated "NO") and then collared the long, white bearded fellow and dragged him back into the bar.
We somehow got another round of drinks paid for by someone (I think they noticed our knee pads) and then we were on our merry way.
Slats, P, Jo Jo Dancing Girl and Lois Lane were not available for this soiree because they are LOSERS.
THEY will be buying the drinks next time as they were all elected official brew masters due to the fact that they were not in attendance.

March 22, 2005

Ole'

Late games tonight for BP's - 8:45 and 9:30.
In the "old days" we would laugh at the word "late", we would throw caution to the wind and not only would we play volleyball we would drink beer, eat pizza, do, well, things girls do when they get together...maybe not NORMAL girls but just, girl things.

March 21, 2005

Picking Jaw Up Off Floor

It is STILL raining.
Seriously, this is Nebraska and it's STILL raining.
I think I saw a farmer dancing in the rain last night. Who knows what this day might bring. Farmers in happy knots at the bar, at gas n slurp discussing the depth of the mud puddles, the green of the wheat, the last rain (and believe me they will have dates), farmers anxiously pacing and wanting to dig in the dirt.
In honor of the rain I have a song for you.
It's Propellerheads singing History Repeating and I LOVE IT!
Check it out.
and now...I must go to make the donuts!

March 20, 2005

It's Raining It's not pouring but It's Raining!

There is nothing as refreshing as the smell of cat urine on dead chrysanthymums.
Heavenly aroma that. ahhhhhhhhhh
Since I surrived the weekend (Alec's 11th birthday party with 3 friends spending Friday night if you call them going to bed at 2:30 am all night...ugh, opening the shop Saturday morning turning it over to the girls around 9ish and then finding clothes to wear that do NOT accentuate my lack of abs and the NON lack of a gargantuan arse that is following me around, going to Lincoln 3ish hours away, to hear Katie in the honor band then driving back home following the concert to arrive home at 12:30 ish watching a movie and having a toddy and ta daaaahhhh pretty soon it's Sunday!) and since it started to rain this afternoon, I decided to clean out my flower beds. Because that's what you do when there's a bit of rain...get out in it!
I am soooo ready for the green.

March 17, 2005

A Bottle Of Vinegar Was All I Needed!

I went down to the coffee shop about 8pm last night to get a bottle of vinegar because my dishwasher needed a good scrubbing, or so I thought, in actuallity...it is broken, but that is another story.
So, I went downt there, and then I decided to move all my My Name Is Mudd mugs, and that led to me moving a shelf and that led to me remembering about a dresser type thingy in the dungeon, which in turn led me to go and get it, shove it on the dumbwaiter, get it upstairs and then lug it into the shop. I tried the dresser out several places and ended up with the first place I thought it should have been. I then moved all my tea supplies and tea out from where it was to the dresser. But first I had to find a suitable cloth to cover the shelves of the dresser and I ended up covering them with white stuff instead because the only cloth I could locate was Christmasy. Then I moved all my Jones Sodas and Bawls to another shelf. Then I needed to use the dustbuster and when I got it...it fell apart and was FULL of crap from last time. This equaled a trip to the dumbwaiter and a search for the vacuum cleaner. By then, it was 10pm and the shop looked like it had been hit by a tornado.
I called home to see if anyone was WORRIED ABOUT MY WHEREABOUTS. Nope, they hadn't even noticed I was gone.
sniff
sniff
NO ONE EVEN KNEW I WAS GONE...isn't that SOMETHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyway, I finally got the shop put back together and got home a bit after midnight.
shit
Happy St Patricks Day

March 16, 2005

She Gets My Vote!

My daughter did not make National Honor Society. At first it did not bother me and then I began to think of all that she offers her school. She has been on distinquished honor roll since 7th grade, (she is a 1oth grader now) barring one semester where she missed that by 1 point and was still on honor roll. She has participated in volleyball, basketball and track each year barring this year she did not go out for track. She is in Choir, Band, Pep Band and she auditioned for and made Honor Band in which she will participate in a statewide symphony in Lincoln Nebraska this weekend. She participates in Speech contests although she does not take that class, she tried out for and got a part in the musical this year and last year. She also participates in One Act Plays. Katie is a cheerleader for 2 years now, co head cheerleader this year. She helped to teach a little girls cheerleading camp both years. She is a member and an officer of FCCLA.I have seen her play a basketball game, afterwards run to the showers, put on her cheerleader outfit, cheer for the varsity game, at half-time, with her hair still drying, run to the stage, and play the trap set with the pep band, afterwards, she runs back to the gym floor and cheers for the remainder of the game. Last year, she went to school early every day of the week, by 7 or 7:15 to attend cheerleading practice 3 days a week AND practice in Chorus 2 days a week.When she has spare time...hahahahah she works at the coffee shop. In fact, last year when I was gone for 1 week, she ran the place.Not too many 15 or 16 year olds can say they have accomplished these things.I am very very proud of her! I think they missed the boat when she wasn't included.

March 15, 2005

Winner Of A Night! Sorta

Just a few random things :
A) yes, I'm back from volleyball already...we won one we lost one
B) we went out to pizza and for a beer and The Famous Rocket Inn in Indianola and I, yes me, could only eat 1 1/2 pieces of pizza and 1 beer...strange...since I've been sick I can't eat as much...I'm SURE this is only temporary
C) When I got back home, the house was still standing and only halfway looking shat upon
D) I bit the inside of my cheek, HARD, and am sure I was spurting arterial blood from a gaping hole there....I farking HATE THAT!
E) the boys are now rassling and yelling in the front room and I must go and KICK SOME LITTLE ARSE! WHOOO HOOOO.....WATCH OUT FOR SUMO MAMA!

BP's Play Ball Tonight...or something like that

It's VOLLEYBALL night...and I'm thinking I'm not bitch enough to play.
Don't tell the BP's or I'll be excommunicated!

March 14, 2005

I Had Something aka It Had Me

No NOT BROWN BOTTLE FLU PEOPLE!
It was something else. It was the barfing, severe pain in the back (like someone is driving tiny little hang up the curtain rod kind of nails directly into the middle of your spine kind of pain), nausea, fatigue kind of virus, apparently.
Mark even went to the pharmacy and brought me back some of those BenGay Icy/Hot patch things and plastered my back with them. I bet he really wanted to plaster my whiney assed mouth shut, but he was a nice boy about it.
They didn't seem to work really well. However, a 5 year old Soma, 2 extra strength Tylenol and one 800mg of Motrin seemed to dull the knife stabs a bit.
Even through I kept feeling barfy, I wanted to eat though...pig sow that I am. I tried chicken noodle soup...heave ho...later that same hour...I tried ice cream...hahahahahahahaha barf o rama deluxe...later that same evening...etc...etc...etc.....
To make matters worse...I was watching the food network.
Today, I layed around and ate without mishap.
I always gain weight when I'm sick...go figure...

March 12, 2005

Just For Your Info

I am craving Merlot but instead...I drink that grape mountain dew crap...because I HAVE NO MERLOT!
We have got Katie's room ALMOST DONE. Check out the pics on my Buzznet!
My house is SOOOO torn up.
Now...I must dance!

ps...Mr. Mayor is NOT 50...just 45...hahahahahahahhahahhaahhahahah

March 09, 2005

It's Just A Chex Mix Kinda Day!

I was painting Alec's room today. A glutton for punishment I guess. I painted his ceiling trim, the walls and did a major dusting, vacuuming attack. While I was moving his bed I found a colorful booklet that looked like one of his homemade books. I opened it up and found it to be a journal of sorts...with just 2 paragraphs written. I know I shouldn't of read it but I did.
hooooboy...what can I say...I had (in December) and still do have an attitude problem!
grin

click HERE for explanation

Bitch Posse Rides Aggain!


We played 2 games.
We lost 2 games.
We had F.U.N. despite this fact as we "played better than we usually do at our first(through last) games and HEY! We are OLD broads now and hadn't played for 1 or 2 years.
My GOD volleyball is SO much better than bowling!
It's not all about slapping balls either...I don't think...hmmmmm


* note to self...Look up if this could be a Freudian(?) realated disorder
Bitch Posse Members feel the need to "slap balls" instead of stick fingers in ball holes and roll them down a lane.
Just call us ball slapping bitch posse wenches!
whoooooo

March 08, 2005

Hellacious Undertaking

Well, I've been painting Katie's sty aka room.
She got bright hot orange "eyelash curtains" and a neon pink with orange "eyelashes" bedspread for her birthday from my mom. Her room colors were bright blue and yellow.
The ceiling was the neon yellow which she now wants white and she decided to paint her walls a pink.
When I say she I mean me ha ha.
I got all the walls covered with one coat of paint yesterday, except where her bed was and in one corner. The ceiling is close to done. It's one of those slanted four mile high ceilings on one side coming down to about 6 foot on the other. In other words IT WAS A BITCH and SO WAS I! After getting that much done I had to rest a bit. When I got up about 45 minutes later Katie was in her room and it looked almost done. I SHIT YOU NOT. That kid had been on a painting frenzy.
Wonder what it looks like in the bright sunlight.
I shudder to know.
Mom is coming over to do a bit of work on it today while I work.
I hope she doesn't see where I spilled paint on the carpet and tried to get it out...maybe I could blame that on the Kate ster...hmmmmmm
anyway, that's what I've been doing. That AND sneezing because my ALLERGIES ARE A BITCH FROM HELL!!!
Thank you
bike riding! You've been berry berry good to me!

March 06, 2005

Meet Me At Midnight

Ladies, put on your best jammies and meet me here at midnight. We are gonna dance the night away with this man because he has love and will travel!
dancing dancing jamming grooving
yahhhhhhh
I've got spring fever and I wanna dance! whoooooo and listen to that man play the sexyphone!
mmmmmmm rawwwrr

Have Love Will Travel by the Sonics

March 05, 2005

26 Miles

Well, I may have slogged through it but I did it.
Today, my endurance SUCKED! I didn't eat before going, I didn't pre-hydrate and you could sure as hell tell it too. My legs felt okay, it was my breathing...which was mostly limited to mouth breathing as my nose was leaking like a rat terrier dog by a new chaise lounge. The wind was about straight out of the South, in our face, OFFUCKINGCOURSE! and well, we decided to "ride the section", which means, yahhh, you guessed it, start our ride SOUTH and then head West then North and finally East on our return home. Well, our plans went awry.
We went South some 12 or so miles then turned and went North, with the wind at our backs. THANK GOD THE WIND DIDN'T CHANGE!
The section is mostly a bunch of long and some double dip hills at the begining and finally a long smooth descent at the end of the first 12 miles.
I was SOOOOOOO HAPPY to turn North and have the wind at our backs.
shit
I was wiped.
Anyway, enough about my whining.
Cindy and I both got our first road rash. I halted by the side of the road to blow my nose and forgot to unhook my right foot from the pedal...ta durrrrr...over I went. Luckily Cindy didn't see it. Later, when she did the same thing, only DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF ME, I LAUGHED MY ASS OFF!! AHAHAHAAHHAHAHAH sorry Cindy...really!
Anyway, a couple of dogs wanted to mess with us, but Cindy bellowed out GET HOME RIGHT NOW!!! and those dogs curled their tails up and went HOME!
My bike kept shifting gears on it's own today.
Other than that...my allergies SUCKED THE BIG ONE AGAIN!
This part of the country is the WORST for allergies.
But the scenery was AWESOME!

Oh My God

Trouble for the Tidy Bowl Man
link from Suburban Lesbian who got it from J at Cheese and Whine

(group SCREAM)
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Do Something | Young People Changing Their World

Do Something | Young People Changing Their World

March 04, 2005

28 Miles

Yup...we did it again.
Bucked the wind and rode the straightaway to Indianola and back.
I am fatigued but felt stronger today.
No dogs were present at this ride.
No sneezes were present at this ride. I will however need to wash my bike gloves...sniff sniff...cuz they make GREAT nose wipers.
They are a bit crackly now...ugh.

March 03, 2005

20 Miles

Cindy and I biked today. Twenty miles.
We were planning on a 50 miler or so.
It appeared to be a lovely, perfect Colgate fresh toothy grinned Wonder bread of a day but once we got on the highway and turned to the west it turned into a mean son of a bitch of a piss ant windy bug scum on your dirt encrusted eyeball kind of day.
Did I mention I don't like riding in the wind?
I am truly tired from that ride.
Of course the obesity doesn't help any either...the fatttt girlllll on a lit tle biiiiike song comes to mind.
Did I also mention dogs?
Dog's that like to chase bike girls and eat them for snacks.
fucker Corgi anyway...what kind of a dog is a Corgi?
They look like a braatwurst with catterpiller legs.
But they sure can run like a mofo.
Maybe he could smell the giant porkchop my ass has turned into.
Anyway, that's the tale of my ride so far.
Well, except for my ALLERGIES!!!!!
Just call me Rudy the farking red nosed fatty on a little bike girl

Sniglet Hell

You ever wake up late and get washed up and dressed in a hurry and just when you start putting your make up on notice that you have
the faint traces of lines on your face where you were sleeping agaisn't a wrinkled, lets just say for the sake of those who are prone
to gagging, a wrinkled pillow?
I've always called these lines sniglets. I don't know where I got that name but that doesn't really matter.
What matters is this: Today, I got up late, got washed and dressed in a hurry and just when I was putting my make up on noticed that
yes, indeed I had sniglets on my face from sleeping with my face pressed against something wrinkled . Only, when I got closer
I noticed that THEY WEREN'T SNIGLETS THEY WERE...gulp...WRINKLES! or it could have been the lighting...or something...else...sigh

March 02, 2005

Another Song To Listen To

Philadelphia

Hand Clap To Head

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the three little pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?"
The teacher paused, then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"
A boy who shall remain nameless (initials APM perhaps?? hmmmm?) raised his hand and said, "I think he said, "Holy Shit! A talking pig!"

Sweet Sad

Fly Away by Serena Mathews.

March 01, 2005

Doi!

Okay...my daughter just came into the house saying..."Mom, I can't get my keys into the ignition thingy"...so...I went out, slid in the key and turned to her with a questioning look, she says, "Oh! I was trying them upside down!".
Holy Shit!
...and I'm guilty of LETTING THIS KID DRIVE A CAR!!
No WONDER my fingernails look like bloody stubs of meat!
gaahhhhh

well, I was going to post something else...maybe I still will...the title was going to be
Would You Rather...
and you have to pick one or the other...here goes...
Would You Rather...

Have a fat, nasty ass
OR
floppy jowls?

Drink one gallon of milk, and then ride a roller coaster
OR
ride a roller coaster behind someone who drank one gallon of milk?