Houston...There Is A Problem

yah... MY ASS!! At least I found somewhere I can buy candles....or as least pose as a model!

A Typical Day Of My So Called Diet

Pre-Breakfast...handful of vitamins..blegh, ENERGY drink...not bad if you like the flavor...vitamin Breakfast...contemplate meal replacement shake...then...have...1/2 scone (damn)...handful of vitamins Pre-Lunch...ENERGY drink...vitamin Lunch...contemplate a meal replacement shake...get the shakes just thinking about having a meal replacement shake...instead have...a small salad (good), cup of(let's fatten up your big ole ass)soup, diet soda, handful of vitamins **gag** Mid afternoon...ENERGY drink...some other kind of pill thing, I think a vitamin Pre Supper...some kind of pill thing like Crave Check or Fibo-Trim or Carb-Ease...if I can remember that one Supper...contemplated shake meal replacement for about 1 nanosecond and then ate handful of bacon wrapped shrimp 1/2 piece of my garlic bread and 1/2 piece of uneaten garlic bread and then a piece of stray bacon and then...SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT and THEN...while checking up at the shop...ate a fucking peanut butter frosted cinnamafucking roll!! On a bright note I am thinking that the smell of a vitamin enriched fart may send me rushing to the toidy to make a deposit and then I will be freshly empty and like new! Do you think that counts as a calorie free day???

Cindy...Ohhhh Cindyyyyyy

Did you have a mofo meal reaplacement shake??? YOU LIER!!!

All's Well In Lard Ass Land

Day 2 of The Diet dawns bright and clear. I'm off to a GREAT start. I took my mofo vitamins and almost barfed. I ate ONLY the middle out of a day old cinnamon roll. HA Hell, yesterday I took my pre breakfast vitamins, my breakfast vitamins, 1/2 a scone(DAMN!), my ENERGY drink(not bad), my pre lunch vitamin(gag), my lunch was a salad, diet soda and cup of FATTEN UP MY ASS soup and from there it began the slippery descent into hell. For supper...no not a meal replacement shake...nottt thatttt, no...a handful of bacon wrapped shrimp, 1/2 brownie(SUCK!), then later that same evening...a beer and a handful of yes...cashews! Oh yahhh....a few pretzels too....SHIT DAMN HELL!!!!!!

Big Bitch or Little Bitch...it's all the same...except for some poundage

I'm starting this Advocare diet thing. hahaahahahahahahhahaha yah right drink a damn meal replacement shake my ASS I hate a replacement shake...grrrrrr...... why oh why oh why did I think I could do this..... grrrrr lets see what a big ole lard ass bitch I can really be...

Watch Out For That...??

Today might well have been called Tumbleday instead of Thursday. Why? Because the wind was gusting up to 40 mph and blowing those mofos across the road the entire time I was taking Dad up to and back from Kearney this morning. Good God! Forget about watching for deer...which are a real hazard around here...watch out for big, rolling freaking tumbleweeds! One managed to escape the fence row and make a run for it across the interstate just as we were breaking the speed of sound on our way home and BAM we struck it with the right front of the bumper...or it struck us I should say. After that, Dad was pretty much on full orange alert. He and I were scanning for tumbleweeds in the ditches so much it looked like we were watching a table tennis game. I managed to avoid any more weed kills but man is my neck aching! Just for your info...Tumbleweeds are large Russian Thistle plants that roll like hell when they dry. Now, check this out...someone in Kansas...actually...SELLS...tumbleweeds. uhh huhhhh....like sells as in for money. Here is the price list in case you were thinking of, you know, ordering a few of those choice plants. LARGE PRAIRIE TUMBLEWEED $25.00 US Dollars PLUS SHIPPING charges to your state or country -..20 inches diameter and up MEDIUM PRAIRIE TUMBLEWEED $20.00 U.S. Dollars PLUS SHIPPING charges to... your state or country .. 14 to 20 inches in diameter SMALL PRAIRIE TUMBLEWEEDS $15.00 U.S. Dollars PLUS SHIPPING charges to your state or country ...12 to 14 inches in diameter Jo Jo Dancing Bear...why don't you add that to your e-bay sales?? Jo Jo sells cow skulls...dead of course...and adds a touching melodramatic story about the poor bonehead like...Cow was struck down by lightning on a clear and cloudless sky, or...Cow threw herself in front of her baby calf saving it but charring her to a pile of ashes...all that was left...was this skull. You can't put a price on that! Powered by Castpost

The Kleptomatic Returns!

Read all about it!

I Read A Book!

I just finished The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls. Jeannette is a regular contributor at MSNBC and writes their gossip column. The book was awesome. A tale of her life and what a life it was. She is truly someone who can say they went from rags to riches...and be telling the truth! One can hardly believe the crap she went through and how the whole family survived such squalor. It made me think back to a family that lived across the street from me for about a year or less when I was about 6. The kids always stank of pee and unwashed skin. The father - of booze and cigarettes. There were car parts and dirty diapers and food wrappers in the yard. The old man came over to our house to ask for cigarettes occasionally. There was a girl close to my age that once peed her pants and slid down the slippery slide at school. Of course she was tortured by the evil ones. Kids can be so cruel. Poor, poor girl. What a life those people had. I remember at Christmas that year my Mom made up a box of food, clothes, diapers and toys for them. I helped her to take it across the street and up to the front door. When the Mother answered our knock and took the box I peeped in. I could see a crib in the living room with a bawling baby in a dripping, drooping diaper on. The scent of piss permeated the house. It still makes me shudder. Anywayyyy, I digress. The book is good if you like that sort of survival of the fittest thing.

Damn

The girls suffered a stinging loss last night. They are either on or off and last night was...off. Perhaps the fact they played a tournament just this last weekend contributed to the no show. They may very well have been tired. Also, we were missing one of our "tall" girls...and we could have used some of her defensive/offensive skills. Katie contributed neither good nor bad to the melet as she spent her 4th game in a row on the bench. As she is a junior and is seeing less and less time playing (both JV and Varsity) I'm thinking she's getting the slap in the face hint - If you think you aren't playing much now...just wait until next year. Anyway, I wonder if she will continue to play sports after the way this whole year has gone. This is coming from me...not her. She doesn't mention anything about not playing to me or Mark...except to acknowledge that her shooting skills are poor and she knows that's not an asset. I know she is disappointed and frustrated but she doesn't complain. She is a good girly and involved in all kinds of activities that make her happy so that is good. Well, sadly the loss of the RVL first round game makes our basketball viewing week less hectic. Instead of games all week...we are down to Andrew playing today and if we want to go to the boys RVL games they are tonight and I think Friday and Saturday (if they keep winning).

It's Raining!

Have you tried the new gatorade yet? Rain? It just came out and there isn't much info about the drink on the Gatorade site yet. I happened to order a couple cases from my wholesaler and found it to be a light, watered down version of regular gatorade. In fact in kind of tasted like what I take on my long bike rides...gatorade mixed with water. I like it. Berry is my favorite kind. This has been a total advertisment. In other news...I'm late for work. AND We had ballgames yesterday in Holdridge. We left here at 1pm and got home at 7:30. AND I then went to the coffee shop and YES rearranged again getting home at 11:30. I really do have a serious problem with furniture rearranging. I think it's a disease. AND We have a ballgame tonight, tomorrow, Wed...OFF, Thurs, Friday, Sat, and SUNDAY! AND Who KNEW we were going to be HAVING SO MUCH FUN !!!!

Last Night

BOYS WIN GIRLS WIN

I Feel Like This

I Look Like This

Wheeeeeeeeeee

I'm sitting here with my freshly washed hair in a turban and I'm sure it's drying to a fine looking bird nest. I'm listnening to Tom Waits and I'm wishing I could go back to bed and wake up like hours later and wear my pajamas all day and eat tapioca and watch movies about gross medical miracles and such. Went to a BRAN (bike ride across Nebraska) meeting last night...mainly because hubby is the coordinator for the Cambridge stay this year. Yup...BRAN stops over in Cambridge on day 3 and then let the partay begin. It was quite interesting to mention all the "projects" people(non riders) could participate in. My favorite you ask? Bed a Biker. uhh huhhh You can "bed a biker" and charge for it. Or...you could not charge for it...just bed a biker out of the goodness of your heart. hmmmmm there are all kinds of giggles about this "project". I did kind of mention (in an aside) that a biker, after pedaling miles and miles and miles up and down and through hills and vales would not wish for any "bedding" for quite some time. In fact the only thing a biker(speaking from my own point of view entirely) wants between the legs when you are done with your ride is ... nothing. Anyhoo...it's been busy week. Monday Andrew had a b-ball game and Tuesday Katie had a b-ball game and Wed Dad had chemo AND his 71st birthday and Thursday Andrew had a game and there was that BRAN meeting and tonight is another of Katie's games and tomorrow? The same. And work for me and Sunday? Freaking more b-ball games. shit fire and hide the matches!! That busy schedule fails to mention...meanwhile I have to work, clean,make a donut, pull espresso, cook and plunge toilets all the while! JOY!!!!...it's just like Disney land around here it's so fun.

Just Felt Like Music

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Raising Kids Is Like Swimming The Backstroke In a Pool Of Mashed potatoes

This has been one of the TOP WORST NIGHTS OF MY LIFE!!! I can't even talk about it with you yet it's just that bad. Well...Maybe a little bit...(surprise) Personal stuff that is spinning around inside of me like a 7 year old on a tire swing. How will I ever get these kids raised...?? And right??!! And Survive??!! Katie is having troubles(no not that kind)...And part of that problem revolves around something simple...You guessed it...A BOY! Need I say more?? Of course I do...sigh...How about LOVE SUCKS YAHHH YUAHHHHH!!! Anyway...so we are having a talk/lecture this evening...let me rephrase that...Mark is talking calmly and I am screaming like a BANSHEE!! (What the hell is a banshee anyway??) To make a long story longer and make even less sense...it involved her telling a lie because she was protecting her boyfriend who had already lied. Needless to say...that did NOT SET WELL with her father or I. If only I could be quiet, calm and coolly collected like Mark. I SUCK!! God...my emotions are always so...out there like a giant neon sign. Anyway...blah blah blah...so we are ending the lecture and I feel fairly good (I mean...at least it's almost over). I mean, I get my screaming over with and then...pretty soon...I forget what the big uproar is about. So...Mark is done...Katie is very contrite...in fact she is so contrite she is so blue and sad and so...I ask Katie if she wants to go with me, Mom and Grandpa to Kearney tomorrow for Dad's chemo and...then Katie puts her head down...sobbing...and when we ask "What?", she says she doesn't think she could take that and then she bursts out saying that everybody was asking her at school why her Dad shaved his head and that she had to explain over and over and over that her Grandpa was getting chemo...and that it was just finally hitting her about Grandpa and his cancer...and she sobbed...and she sobbed...and she sobbed...oh my god ...it killed me...I felt bad for her...for all that's going on...I felt bad for Dad...I felt bad for Mom...I felt bad for everything...I just plain felt like SHIT!!!!!!!!! I can't even put into words...another shocker what a bad day this has been. I fell like I've been hit by a bus...three times...in the same day... More later...I just can't seem to get everything done tonight...

For Sale...Space On My Husbands Head!

Mark shaved his head tonight. He did it because my Dad's hair is falling out due to the chemo. Isn't that nice? So...anyway...I think we should sale his head space for ads because...there's alot of space there! Make an offer people!

Sex & Pickles

I had the "keep your pickle in your pants" talk the other day with Alec and Andrew. It was just the boys and me for supper. Although Alec is the student manager for the boys basketball team and should have been 1 1/2 hours away attending and I should have been 1 1/2 hours away watching Katie play we were instead having supper together. Andrew had b-ball practice and didn't want to miss and Alec had detention for a spit ball incident during a substitute teachers horrific day(poor woman...I should've warned her). So therefore, I decided to forego the game and make Alec's life hell for getting into trouble. Thus...the pickle in the pants talk. Really, it's just a sex talk. I believe we were watching CNN and an episode about a young couple came on with their baby or something like that. I don't really remember. What I do remember is thinking Ahhh Ha! I can't pass up this opportunity to embarrass my young uns. You have never seen two kids eat so much in so little time, do their chores, take their showers and want to hit the hay so fast. hee hee hee YESSSSS!! Parenting CAN be fun!

Mother Goose Nursery Rhymes we didn't have as kids

Mary had a little pig, She kept it fat and plastered; And when the price of pork went up, She shot the little bastard. MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB Her father shot it dead. Now it goes to school with her, Between two hunks of bread. JACK AND JILL Went up the hill To have a little fun. Stupid Jill forgot the pill And now they have a son. SIMPLE SIMON met a Pie man going to the fair. Said Simple Simon to the Pie man, "What have you got there?" Said the Pie man unto Simon, "Pies, you dumb #$%!" HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the kings' horses, And all the kings' men. Had scrambled eggs, For breakfast again. HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle, All over the bedside clock. The little dog laughed to see such fun. Then died of electric shock. GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie, Kissed the girls and made them cry. And when the boys came out to play, He kissed them too 'cause he was gay. There was a little girl who had a little curl Right in the middle of her forehead. When she was good, she was very, very good. But when she was bad........ She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo,=20 and a sports car.

13 Cats By My Dumb Ster!

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This Is Soooo Weird...(maybe)

Okay, I was looking in my documents thinking I might read some of my old poems and put some on my poetry site when, strangely, I came across this poem written below one my older saved poems. refresh button button your lip tightly for you don't need to speak to the Lord she' all alone in her upside down house basking in the startled gaze of the angels I believe there is nothing on earth so vivid as the sight of that party except for the patch of sunlight that perches across your hair you seem unwise to the ways of this world you might be scolded unaware of the beauty of letting those words fall into your ears downy thoughts unhinge open fly from your eyes don't they just wish you could put life into them and let go there seems to be a controversy about the way some people use their space What is strange is that I don't remember writing this poem...but it was in this odd place where no one else could have like, planted a poem so...I must have written it. I'm thinking I must have been corked outta my brain or something. Maybe my "OTHER SELF" wrote it. It's got me freaked out really. Goosebumps really...cuz it doesn't sound like what I write...OR does it???? hmmmmmm I am losing my MIND! It's amazing what the beer of the month club can do for you...and your loved ones...if used correctly.

List of things that make our house a slob:

1) toilet upstairs runs all day long 2) porch falling down piece by piece 3) deck falling down piece by piece 4) missing ceiling tile in washroom...Still 5) need odd size fluorescent bulbs in washroom (that's where I do my hair so the lack of lighting explains a lot!) 6) kitchen sink squirts like a geyser from the backside (sometimes) so you don't know until water is puddling on the countertops 7) washing machine talks back after every spin cycle AND you have to lift the lid to get it to advance to the next cycle after soak 8) downstairs bathroom looks like a pepto bismol explosion...needs painted 9) window frames on South side are rotting off 10) whole house needs painted 11) 12 cats live by our dumpster 12) isn't that enough?!!

School Night Routine

Me: It's shower time. Them: WHAT! (incredulous) Me: Please someone go take a shower...it's time. Them: Turn on TV, get Cheetos and plant ass on couch Me: It's Shower Time! (I pick child (boy child) at random) Go Take A Shower...NOW! Them: I'm going I'm going I'm going...you don't have to yell at me! (goes upstairs into bedroom, gets on computer, headphones and turns on music) Me: (stomp upstairs after not hearing water turn on and find THEM as stated above with phone pressed to ear unbelievably dry and fully clothed and obviously not ready to shower I SAID IT'S SHOWER TIME AND I MEAN SOMEONE BETTER BE IN THAT SHOWER IN 2 SECONDS AND WASHING UP OR I'M GOING TO TAKE THAT COMPUTER THAT PHONE THAT EVERYTHING YOU OWN AND THROW IT OUT THE WINDOW AND YOU'LL NEVER BE ALLOWED TO DO ANYTHING EVER EVER EVER AGAIN AS LONG AS I'M WALKING THIS EARTHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Them: (eyes rolling race to bathroom, run into each other, begin wrestling on the hallway floor knocking pictures off the wall meanwhile it's 10:35 by now) Me: 1:30 am...I make it to the flooded bathroom, turn on the water, put in Calgon, fill the tub to the brim and slide into the FREEZING ICE COLD WATER...THOSE LITTLE SHITS TOOK ALL THE HOT WATER YET ONCE AGAIN!!! AGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Cat Safari

Thanks for all your lovely suggestions and cat trap presents! I now have the means to snag enough furry felines to make a King sized bed quilt. Here is a useful link in case you need to purchase catch 'em alive traps of any sort. Or...you could just whine about it in your blog and see if anyone "plants" one in your yard! Here are my favorites so far: The Diet Coke Trap is wildly popular for one and only one reason...I think those silly horny cats want to use it for a whorehouse. I'm waiting for them to install a red light! The Traditional is simple yet lovely...the only problem? Who put carrots there? I can't think of one cat that would nibble carrots!

I Tawt I Taw A Puddy Tat...I Did I Did I Did...I DID!

One day I noticed something about my dumpster. As I was taking out the trash I saw a cat idly licking it's paws near the curb. Then, I saw two more cats playing with a piece of string on our lawn. Then, I saw another feline in one of my, granted, dead now, but once thriving newer perennial flower garden spots covering up crap. As I neared the dumpster, I saw four...yes F O U R more cats sitting in the street watching me. Soon there were 10...T E N cats surrounding me! Have you ever watched that show, The Birds? or Killer Bees? Welcome to my world. In the end there were twelve potential road roasts staring up at me with their bright wee eyes. All of them were fat as ticks. Bastards! Fat furry flower pawing and cat crap covering up bastards! I hate them! Anyone who wants one come and get two. Take three if you can. And if you can't take one please drive by my house really really fast several times a day with a long string hanging from the back bumper.

Old Mother Hubbard

Is it wrong to fix my kids Texas toast for breakfast? And serve it with Surefine Limade? Because that is about all the food I have in the house except for condiments. Oh wait...there is one lone dill pickle in a jar of juice. We are O U T of groceries. Nada. Good thing there is a game tonight.

Girls Night

Katie and her buds got together Monday night and played "dress up"...only in camo...?? They had fun and I was happy to see her hang with the girls instead of the alternative (boys...aghhhh!).

I Dub Thee

After getting back from radiation and bloodwork in Kearney I cleaned my fish pond. It smelled like an orangutan ass or a 1970's home perm. There was definitely a chemical reaction going on and it wasn't a good one. I spotted a lone bloated goldfish carcass (and who could blame him) and I couldn't see any more. Of course, the heater wasn't on so, at one time they were all probably frozen goldfishcicles. Hopes of survivors weren't too high. I set up the filter and and got it to going. My heater is toast and I don't really care. What would be the point of heating a pool of rank bubbling fishless water? I've decided to name my pond. It just came upon me as I was typing this. Ready? Okay, from now on my backyard area itself will forever be called... Ass Gas Pond

Back To The Grind

Back to work. Back to basketball games. Back to concessions stand suppers. Back to thinking fingernails and beer are major food groups and need to be added to the food pyramid. Back...one definiton is...the part or area farthest from the front. Yup...that's me...I'm back alright. Dog paddling through the day and wondering if anything gets easier anytime soon.

Here Kitty Kitty

We came home from Dad's radiation treatment through Lexington. We went to Kearney via the Holdridge way and thought we wanted new scenery. Just after Johnson Lake we saw police lights flashing and cars stacked to the nines. There was hay scattered about the road and I thought there was a big accident up ahead. Instead we noticed good old cowboys on horses driving cattle across the road. They were being moved from one field to another. Better than an accident any day. Dad is feeling better today. Not so many aches and pains. I encouraged him to get up more and get fresh air as the day was beautiful. Mom stayed home and put in the coffee shop grocery order for me. Damn freight early tomorrow. Back to the grindstone I guess. Having 3 days off has been habit forming for me. It will be hard to face getting up at 5 let alone trying to get ready again. When we got back from Kearney I took Mom and Dads outdoor decorations down and then went home to take mine down. I still have a couple of strands of lights left on my upstairs but most is done. I had a lot of crap to do at the shop to get ready for tomorrow. Several orders to get ready and wash to do and dishes to do and trash to take out and blah blah blah blah. Dad called me up tonight and told me about the most expensive coffee bean in the world...Kopi Luwak. It's a bean that is eaten by a palm civet, a dark brown tree-dwelling cat-like creature (while in cherry form) and then after it's shit out, is gathered up and then...whatever it takes to clean that up...readied for resale. $175-300 dollars a pound for that coffee. HOLY CAT SHIT! Can you imagine the aroma that bean would have? Do any of you own cats? Litter boxes? If so...you can imagine the nostril effect that particular bean might have. Could be the new trend at Shirley K's...Cat Shit Coffee Beans...Cat Shit Cappuccino's...Cat Shit Shakes...Kitty Litter Lattes! god...the possibilities... I'll end up with a little music again. Powered by Castpost

Nothing Much but Ending With The Hoochie Coochie Gal

I spent the better part of today taking down all my indoor Christmas decorations (except the snowmen) and repacking all the crap into my "decoration cupboards" in the sunroom. Today was also inventory day at the pharmacy and the coffee shop. The kids and Mark did most of that while I was working here at home. It's misting a bit here and it smells so good. I should go walking because I feel like a total LARD ASS. I may go get on my trainer and ride a few miles. Dad has quite a bit of edema going on in his lower legs. I can't hear much air movement in his lungs either. He started back on his "fluid pill" yesterday as I thought he was retaining quite a bit of fluid. He didn't cough much today but he didn't walk around very much at all...nor did he change out of his pj's. He says he felt pings and pangs all over. No nausea though. I took him a soft stocking cap to wear in case of hair loss. I guess one usually starts losing hair on day 10 or so. We'll see in a few days if that will be his case. Mom came over for a while this afternoon...right after I got done putting up the Christmas decorations. We watched a show about obese children and gastric bypass surgery. We are MANIACS! Tomorrow Dad has radiation so I will leave about 8:30 and we will probably get back around 12:30 or so...and then, since the shop is closed, I'll go and take down all the outside decorations. I hate to because it'll look bleak and naked. That said I think I'll end this bleak little post up with some good blues. Powered by Castpost

Happy Silver New Year

The worst thing that happened today? Just happened around 11:49 tonight. Mark and I were watching TV and a commercial came on. There was a black background and silver letters that spelled out...WERE YOU BORN BETWEEN 1935 AND 1966?? After that...it gets a little blurry. I was indignant. Surely that was not a medicare plan or something just as "aged" meant for someone MY AGE! FOR SHIT'S SAKE! Mark said, "No...it's not a Medicare plan...it's a funeral plan". I said...Ohhhhh...gureattttt! That's much better! shit happy frickin new year I got a Silver Plan...do you?