April 29, 2007

Not Enough Hours In A Weekend

I worked my ass off today. First I got the roll order ready (8 dozen assorted cinnamon rolls etc...) to be picked up my 8, then I made breakfast sandwiches for the whole fam damily and delivered them. Rode my bike to mom and dads to drop off their sandwiches, went home and I turned my dinky garden soil over with a shovel, dug up a new area for my onions, mowed the lawn in back, cleaned the damn stinking pond, picked farking weeds, swept the damn garage...again, washed clothes, hung them on the line, vacuumed, dusted, mopped the floors, thought about drinking beer but it was only 1pm. Made lunch, called mom, spray painted some hardware for my cupboard doors which NEED TO BE PUT BACK ON MARK!!!!~!~, moved my old swing, picked dandelions from between bricks, got Katie to go get 5 bags of cedar mulch (she a strong girl), I then replaced some of the mulch from last year with the fresh smelling new stuff, ate 5 sweet tarts, made Alec take out the trash, Andrew mow, took mom and dad a coke with ice, noticed dad has a bad loose cough now, got him some medicine, thought about life and how short it is, thought about how stressed out we are and how unhappy our home has been lately, talked with mom, went home, talked with Katie, Mark, the boys, tried to be upbeat and not tired, took a bath and then noticed everyone was GONE...baseball practice, swing choir singing (which I MISSED because I do not know ANYTHING!!!), planted onions, called mom again, checked my periannuals, watered them, laid down for a bit, did dishes, decided to make CRAB LEGS on the grill and we gorged, washed more farking dishes, thought about how much work there was to do for graduation (2 WEEKS PEOPLE!!!), drank a beer and wished for more. I'm sure there was more but who really gives A RATS ASS!!!


April 28, 2007

Lilacs, Potholes and Cat Piss...

ahhhhh...the aroma of spring in Cambridge.
I rode my bike aka Cindy Sues bike tonight for a wee tiny bit. Luckily I sustained no flat tires.
Also...the moon was malformed and matched the scent and my mood exactly.

April 24, 2007

Prom & Rain

Katie's prom was Saturday. She is the one on the far end with the short dress. Looks like quite a group doesn't it? I think she is a little nostalgic since this was her last prom.

Other news:

Rain is the name of the game here. Strange for Nebraska anymore. Once, when I was a little girl, 1000 years ago, it rained like this. Our backyard filled to the brim with water and I climbed into our little green canoe and rowed it around all day.

Some Improvement (of sorts)

Dad is using a walker now. He is okay with that. He can get about the house better. Mom told me that Dad said, after he fell the other night and couldn't get up, "I never thought I'd end up this way..."
Small victories are the epitome of cancer.
After the initial diagnosis the first came when they said Grade III instead of IV, then there was no spread, then he wasn't terribly sick from chemo just a little and then...on and on and on it goes.
For every down side there was a small victory, albeit tiny, squinting hard to find it victory...because without those little bitty scraps...you have nothing to hope for...

April 22, 2007

No True Words Can Tell You How I Feel

I've become the child of someone dying with cancer.
No longer a nurse.
No longer someone who knows someone who "has cancer".
Suddenly, to the very marrow of my bones I, well, ache...for lack of a better word.
This is a feeling you can't really describe easily.
This is a sinking, nervous despair feeling that only anyone who has a parent or close family member dying of cancer would recognize.
Dad is shrinking by the hour it seems. Cheeks sunken in. Verbalization at a minimum. Pain seems to be under good control. He is walking with a cane now. Output is poor. His eyes look resigned to the fate at hand. I guess that's what I noticed yesterday. What often triggers my tears.
This is so very very hard.

April 15, 2007

Not Good News

The PET scan showed several ribs with "activity" and several "new areas" and oddly no sign of the primary tumor. Several nodes with "metabolic activity" and lost of pleural activity now.
Not good.
Although I hate PET scans because they practically show a freckle I have a tendency to believe this one as Dad's condition has suddenly escalated and he is extremely frail, in pain and unable to eat much. We may be looking at hospitalization soon. We will talk with the oncologist on Monday.
I actually talked to the oncologist on Friday, and saw the report of the scan late Friday but I wanted to wait until MOnday to talk with Mom about it. Spare the weekend for her. Well...she found the report anyway.
I hope we can keep the pain at bay.
Dad looks so thin...can't weigh 130 now. The weight is just dropping off.
Cancer loves calories.

April 13, 2007

Cliff Notes on My Life

Took Dad to Kearney yesterday. He had a PET scan to see if the cancer is spreading into his bones or if his hypercalcemia is related to his hyperparathyroidism. Long day for him.
When we got back I took a nap and then took apart our "computer" room. I even unplugged every plug that was filled...and probably screwed up our computer forever. I HAD to get into that mess and vacuum! I finished wallpapering in the laundry room too. I also finished up making Katie's graduation party announcements. They turned out cool. The laser printer at work is awesome! Anyway...now I'm late...gotta go.

Got Though The Scan

Dad got through the PET okay. He didn't use O2, but we packed it just in case. He then had zymeta. He is SOOOOO thin. Mom and I went to Walmart and picked up SMALL sweat pants for him. I bet he doesn't even weigh 130. We don't even weigh him at home anymore. We don't want to know. I imagine he will get weighed next Thursday. We will find out then what the PET shows. Dad's calcium level was 12.4...the highest it's ever been. NO wonder he has been so lethargic this last week. If the cancer is in the bone I dont' know what we will do. But if not...he has GOT to have that surgery. When we got home dad was hurting and he took pain meds and ate only a little bit. Later, I was surprised to hear that he drove over to our house (though he stayed in the car) and dropped off some curtains that mom had been working on for me. He couldn't even get off the couch for 5 days, has Zymeta and ta daaa he feels a bit better. I don't think it will last many days but he will have to take advantage of his normal calcium level while he can.

April 11, 2007

Kearney Tomorrow...early.

Going to Kearney for Dads PET scan. The last Oncologist appointment she said we need to find out if Dad's cancer has spread to the bones or if the hyperparathyroidism is causing the hypercalcemia. If there is no mets to the bones than she would feel comfortable reccomending the surgery to remove the glands. If the cancer has spread, of course, than this is the reason for the hypercalcemia.
Dad looks bad. Really bad. No edema whatsoever. He is shrinking, eyes wide and not talkative at all. He barely moves off the couch. You can tell that the zymeta helps the calcium stay in the norm for about 5 days and then...you can see Dad "melting", for lack of better word. Just 2 weeks ago...Dad mowed the lawn! On his rider of course...but...still...he hadn't done that for about 2 seasons. Now...he can't even face taking a shower. He is on O2. He is barely eating. He probably weighs less than 140 at this point. The PET scan will take over an hour and then we have to go to the Oncologist for the Zymeta. He will be totally exhausted I'm sure. I hope we can get him there without problems.

What's On YOUR Fridge?

This is a poster I made many, many years ago...and during my cleaning frenzy I found it. If you can't tell...it's my head on a hot model body and Marks head on a hot man body. Mark is giving me sage advice...as usual. He is saying...Weight loss secret...EAT LESS DO MORE and sprinkling fat reducing dust onto my steaming hot SKINNY in my dreams body. I'm hoping this will inspire me to LOSE SOME WEIGHT before the circus comes to town and I get a job offer I can't refuse.

April 09, 2007

Short Poem

the summer looms
my ass blooms
take me away Calgon

if bubbles wont float
away my troubles
jose ceurvo, lime and salt
hit me with a double!