April 22, 2007

No True Words Can Tell You How I Feel

I've become the child of someone dying with cancer.
No longer a nurse.
No longer someone who knows someone who "has cancer".
Suddenly, to the very marrow of my bones I, well, ache...for lack of a better word.
This is a feeling you can't really describe easily.
This is a sinking, nervous despair feeling that only anyone who has a parent or close family member dying of cancer would recognize.
Dad is shrinking by the hour it seems. Cheeks sunken in. Verbalization at a minimum. Pain seems to be under good control. He is walking with a cane now. Output is poor. His eyes look resigned to the fate at hand. I guess that's what I noticed yesterday. What often triggers my tears.
This is so very very hard.

4 comments:

Tami said...

I know this is so hard for you, And You are in my prayers!

Sarah said...

You and your dad are in my thoughts. I'm in the same boat AND my beloved Aunt Jenny died last night from lung cancer. It's awful and draining. :hug:

Joel said...

I feel your pain. We celebrated my dad's 58th birthday yesterday and he look very old as opposed to a couple of months back prior to his diagnose and subsequent start of chemo. I hate his fate and I cry every chance I get. If there is anyone that understand it is me, but we have to be strong for our parent's sake, because two sick people in the family will not help anyone.

Anonymous said...

My Dad was just diagnosed with non small cell cancer of the lung. Stage IIIB. I am a nurse..and completely related to your post.
I ache, I bargain, I forget, i con-
stantly am aware that My Dad has
cancer. Thank You & God Bless
Tracey