Crazier than a shithouse rat.
Stronger than mule piss with the foam farted off.
Finer than frog hair.
Drunker than a cowboy on Saturday night.
"Slicker than cat shit on a linoleum floor." Redd Foxx
Richer than six foot up a bull's ass.
Tighter than a bull's ass on fight night. (Also, tighter than a bull's ass during fly season.
Grinnin' like a possum eatin' shit out of a light socket.
Nervous as a dog shittin' peach pits.
The dog is nervous, one supposes, because of anxiety over the next painful peach pit passage.
Funnier than homemade dog shit.
No bigger than a pint of piss.
Fatter than a shithouse spider.
Slicker than the devil in velvet pants.
Grinnin' like a cat eatin' shit out of a hairbrush.
Slicker than shit through a tinhorn.
Colder than a witch's tit in a brass brassiere.
Happier than a pig in shit.
Hotter than the hinges of Hell.
Tighter than a gnat's ass stretched over an oil drum.
(Neither Redd nor I could imagine anything tighter. MDJ)
Shinnin' like a diamond in a goat's ass.
Grinning' like a shit eatin' possum.
Hornier than a three-balled tomcat.
Faster than a cat can lick its ass.
Meaner than cat shit.
Sucks like a bucket of ticks.
Nervous as a whore in church.
Tougher than a 10-year-old rooster.
Weaker than puppy piss.
Faster than a dog can raise his leg.
Slicker than greased owl shit.
Tighter than a crab's ass. (That's waterproof, folks)
Wilder than a peach orchard boar.
Worthless as a cup of cold piss.
Ugly enough to scare a bulldog off a gut wagon.
Drier than a popcorn fart.
Hotter than a fresh-fucked fox in a forest fire.
Funnier than a fart in a space suit.
Funnier than Ex-Lax in a diarrhea ward.
Funnier than a pay toilet in the diarrhea ward.