October 09, 2007

Four Months Gone Already

I keep thinking about Dad and when he died. The hospital room that day, the way he "talked" with his eyes until the very end. I keep remembering the last breath he took. I can't help it and I hate to think of it and I wish I could think of other things. Better things.
Not long after Dad died Mark and I thought we would go fishing at the creek. I went into Mom and Dads garage to get Dad's tackle box. I picked it up, opened it up and my mouth dropped open. Inside were a jillion cigarette butts. Neatly packed on top of his lures. In fact it looked like they belonged there. Obviously he hadn't quit smoking. I guess I knew that...deep inside I knew it. I shook my head and Mark and Mom stood there with their mouths dropped open. I felt such a...dismay...it seems like I was always telling my Dad not to smoke when I was a little girl. I hated the smell...although sometimes now I like the slight whiff of a cigarette burning... I don't smoke...can't stand it...I remember thinking...I wonder when he will die of cancer back when I was little.
terrible thoughts
Mom and I picked out a headstone. There is a fishing scene on the back. The only thing it needs is a cigarette and the picture would look like him.
Wish I could sleep


Sarah said...

I was wondering how you have been doing. Is it getting slightly easier? Does it EVER get easier? Regardless, you are in my thoughts.

Allyson said...

I know what your goin through, Both my parents smoked when i was growing up, and all i could think was how bad that was for them. But they wouldn't listen. and now it's been almost 3 years since my dad passed away from lung cancer. Eventually it gets easier, i promise. You will miss them for ever, But you will get a new routine, and you will learn, Life goes on. I'm sorry for your loss. stay strong...

Misery Marketing said...

Im not sure if Im happy that I searched "dad has cancer" on google.Ive read all the posts. Ive teared up and Ive become more prepared for the future. Dad starts radiation and chemo this week. I guess the best thing that could possible come from this could be the fact that I am struggling to quit smoking. I quit for a month but started a few days ago. Im not smoking allot yet and I could quit right now without much withdrawals. I just crumpled my last cigarette into the trash. My wife and my ex-wife smoke too. I dont want my kids to worry like I worried about my Mom or you about your Dad. Evil little bastards those cigarettes are. Addiction sucks. Cancer sucks.