Tales of ASS & Rings of Fire!

My washing machine smells of ASS. I am SURE it's our lovely water. Legendary. Less than a month ago I took the washing machine apart and cleaned it like a dirty ear canal. I excised lumps and bumps and balls of goo. I coaxed things out of openings that should very well be left to hide. Then I put it back together and VOILA! MY washing machine smells like ASS...therefore my clothes smell like ASS! In other news...for Christmas I received a trip! Me, my Mom, Cindy Sue and her Mom are going on a trip!! Guess what the "trip" is. A show called RING OF FIRE! NO...it's not a show about hemmorhoids...I don't think. I keep trying to call Cindy Sue...but she ISN'T HOME! GET HOME CINDY!! I need to know what we are going to see!!

Pew Spew

So...right when we needed to go to church for Christmas services, Andrew came downstairs, in wrinkled clothes. It was a battle, as you can see, for him to surrender his shabby T to be pressed. In fact, I discovered a glitch, I was out of Magic Sizing so had to wet a washcloth, throw the clothes in the dryer and patiently wait...all the while thinking church started at 7:15 instead of 7:00. Reality check...church started at 7:00. We squeaked in. This may become our Christmas letter picture. All through the service people were coughing, coughing, coughing behind us. Not just your average "ahem" kind of cough. No, this was a phleghmy, loose, yet at time harsh barking HACK. It was all I could do to stop myself from standing up and sctreaming for the Riccoli girl. Dear GOD, I thought, please help this virus spewing pew of peoples from spreading disease and mucous. I felt myself edging further and further and further to the front of our pew. I tried to sing but I was just listening for the chorus of croup behind me and waiting for the splat of a loogie on the back of my neck. On that note...good night and pleasant dreams.

Merry Christmas!

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I Been Good...I Promise!!

I need to be asleep, in bed, on the couch, in the recliner, in a hot tub with a beer...or somewhere...instead...THIS! It feels like someone has a twist tie around my spine and that someone is slowly but surely twisting it. DAMN I hate that. It's been a long donkey assed day and I have a feeling it's going to feel that way tomorrow too. I'm watching the weather channel and wishing for a big coke with ice. and nachos and a fire in the woodstove and yahhhhh a back rub...HEY FAT MAN IN A RED SUIT...WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU??!!

What To Do If You Have "Shee mah panz"

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Tiddly Notes of Non Interest

Got a new haircut/dye/eyebrow wax today after I took Alec to get his braces off. YES! No more braces! Now...Crest White Strips! Equal price I think. I got my shopping done now I need to wrap. I also need to get groceries. No cereal left. Gotta make candy and other sugar crusted goodies. Need to cut Peties toenails. I may just paint them pink. Why can't he chew his nails? That would be damn handy for me. Not much else going on but life in the fast lane. You guys know how that is right? I feel like watching a sad movie in the dark with nothing but Christmas lights on. Like my hair? You should see my unibrow. IT'S GONE! Thank you Aunt Mary for ripping off that catterpiller that was living between my eyes!

Get The Cawfee!

Dickhead vrs Duckhead

Yesterday, I went online to Zappos.com which is a shoe place I LOVE. I ordered the exact same shoes as the one that was the subject of my previous rant. or...so I thought. They came today. Can you believe that?! I love Zappos! Anyway, I opened the box and just then Andrew came home from practice. I showed him the box and told him the shoes arrived. His eyes got VERY wide. He tried hard not to smile. I looked down and had to say I got a chuckle. The shoes are exactly the same in every way except for the brand name. These are not FADED GLORY brand...these are...gulp...D U C K H E A D. brand. Which really isn't funny except if you kind of think...D I C K H E A D brand...which in reality is EXACTLY what happened to the previous shoes. sigh

A Penis Ain't ART Dumbass

My book, "Don't sweat the small stuff for moms" just came from Amazon. In the nick of time really. Maybe. I just don't know how we are going to get these kids raised without being scarred for life. I mean you hear people worrying about scarring their KIDS for life...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHHA A WHAT A JOKE. PEOPLE...IT'S THE OTHER WAY AROUND!!! I have ONE thing to say about in school suspension and it will probably end up being a whole slew of things...who am I kidding. Here goes. If you use In School Suspension for every little thing then it isn't SCARY enough. There is no fear in kids being suspended anymore. They are jaded. They are not afraid of being suspended or going to the superintendents office or the principal at all. When I was in school it was FREAKING SCARY to be suspended. Hardly anyone ever ever ever got suspended. When someone did it was NEWS it was SCARY it was usually something AWFUL, like threatening the teacher, or throwing a desk across the room. Now...it's an everyday thing. Commonplace. Some kids, such as my own, have frequent flier miles. They may even have their own name tags or favorite in school suspension chairs. I mean, really now just for comparison...if I have the stories right...isn't it bizarre that kids who steal money from the school get 3 days of in school suspension and don't have to pay any money back and a kid that sayyyy draws a penis on a shoe with an ink pen gets 2 days of in school suspension and is told that he must pay to replace the shoes?? I agree there needs to be punishment. Like, if my kid drew a penis on a shoe that belonged to a girl and the superintendent or principal called me and told me about it I would (and did) take my kid to the parents house and require my kid to apologize to the girl AND the parents AND offer to replace the shoes. I totally agree there needs to be punishment. And the shoes need to be replaced (by money from the budding artist son) even though the shoe easily cleaned up when we went and got it from the principals office. Now...to rant a little on the girls or girl or whoever...Come on...can't you handle anything yourself without tattling? If that would have happened to me when I was in school (yes I know, back in the old days) I would have scrubbed my shoe clean and went on with my day. I would never have dreamed of running to the superintendent or principal and tattling about every little thing that happened to me...ESPECIALLY if it involved a PENIS! I guess because in those days...it was scary not only to SEE the principal or superintendent but it was even SCARIER TO TALK TO HIM. good LORD I just don't know anymore...about anything...or anyone... The moral to my story is: We need to be raising independent AND respectful kids who can not only cope with a little ink drawing on a shoe but can also be SMART ENOUGH AND RESPECTFUL ENOUGH NOT TO PUT ONE ON A SHOE...dumbass...a penis AIN'T ART!

Hey Alf...Make HARD and I might think about it!

An e-mail in my junk file. from alf armando - subject line was...We make soft to be near you‏

Nun or George Carlin?

Naughty Nun

You're Gonna Have Pencil Envy

UPS paid a visit to my place the other day and left a brown wrapped box inside my front door. Guess what I got? I got a nice, big pencil with it's own plug in. It's quiet and prickly and my kitty cat loves to play with it. Wanna see it? You like my prelit pencil tree? ps...please note that these pictures were taken AFTER Cindy took me out to drink 2 beers. She MADE me drink 2 whole beers. I wanted to get a ginger ale but NOOOOOOOO she MADE ME DRINK BEER!! I guess that's why my eyes are all "starey" and stuff. Yup...now if only I had hair dye!!

Guess What I Did Today

...and although my ASS is bruised I actually busted my head. DAMN YOU ICE...DAMN YOU TO H E double TOOTHPICKS!

Secret Code or Coincidence?

I just googled...ersyjrt and I meant to type weather. Guess what popped up? first 3 top choices were a lotof bullshit garble but...NUMBER 4...See results for: weather National and Local Weather Forecast, Radar, Map and Report How the hell did that happen anyway???? Well...it's icy and maybe I can't open the shop today. Gotta go get ready to fall down and break my ass. Later