May 28, 2008

Couldn't They Just Be Perfect?

I went for a walk around 9:30 p.m. It was misting slightly and the lights of the Ethanol plant lit up the sky like a lava lamp. Everything was muted and "bloopy" in the moist clinging air. The music playing in my ipod were mostly Janis Joplin tunes and it was fitting for both my mood and the feel of the night. Again and again as I walk I think of how I could be a good parent to my teens. I often think of how crappy I've handled an "event" and how Mark does such a good job with parenting. I'm usually floundering in words and I get so angry and spitting mad that I can't see straight. I so wish I could be a better parent. My skills suck. I've read books and I've read articles and I've tried to be patient, understanding, calm, collected. I've tried to go to church more. I've tried going to church less. I try to use example. And mostly, lately I try not to scream and bawl and pull my hair out. I try not to swear out loud things like...hey you DUMBASS what do you THINK YOU ARE DOING!!! and things like WHY WHY WHY are you DOING THIS TO ME! I try to be like Mark who lectures calmly and use examples and stories and actually make sense but people....I CAN'T DO IT!!!! I CANNOT DO IT WELL AT ALL!!! I'm a hot head and a screamer and I hate waiting for the perfect words and speech. I like action Jackson and God help me...I'm not a patient person at all. What usually happens is Mark and I and whoever is in the hot seat sit in the living room and Mark lectures and I sit there nodding and when I speak it sounds stupid and I feel like an asshole and then it's over after about 2 hours of Mark lecturing and me being an asshole. I just wish my kids wouldn't do anything they shouldn't. hhahaahahahahahah IS THAT TOOOOOO MUCH TO ASK PEOPLE?!! Tell me it isn't. Please please tell me it isn't.

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