June 14, 2009

Two Years

Well, two years today, June 14th, Dad died. Of lung cancer. It's hard to believe that so much has happened in such an amount of time. Hard to believe he has been gone that long. Sometimes it seems not that long ago. I try not to think of Dad, as he lay in the hospital bed, trying to breathe. I try not to think of his thin frame and his lack of apetite. I try not to think of the things he had to go through as he slipped into the last few months of his life.
My oldest daughter, only daughter, graduated the same year my Dad died and headed off to college. Two years can change sooo much. I haven't hardly seen my daughter in two years. I can count the times on my one hand. She has dropped out of college and works full time. She asks for no help. She acts like she needs no one. Yet, she needs us for our insurance for sure. She has been in several accidents and cost us several thousands of dollars in car repair. Who cares about college tuition. Try paying court costs and car repair and again and again and again and so forth. Try feeling the anxiety of knowing you have not been a very good parent. That your child does not even want to call or talk to you. You have had your child with you 18 years and then...she is off to other worlds and leaves you without a backward glance. It huts. I can tell you. I wish I could have been a different kind of parent. I wish I could have been what she needed. I don't know what I've done to be excluded from her life but I feel so very sad that what I've done has not been enough. Sometimes I think back and I see the moments I screwed up. I was always stressed out and we didn't have many sleep overs. I worked all the time. I was anxious. I was an impatient mother. I wish I could have been someone she admired and loved and wanted to be in her life. But somehow, I wasn't enough for her. We never talked or shopped together. She never told me about her boyfriends or her hopes or dreams or anything. She was very much a loner child or maybe it was just me she avoided. As an only child I don't think I was a good parent because my experience level was crap!. Katie also had to go immediately after birth into the jaundice lights and I didn't get to feed or hold her for many days. I wonder if our bonding was effected by this?? Anyway, I feel sad on two accounts. Ifeel sad that Dad has been gone 2 years and that in the meantime I've lost my daughter as well....

No comments: